Crying.Again.Having headaches.Again.Body pains.Again.And my thoughts are not happy.They’re not even normal.I’m thinking about my wasted life,I’m thinking about the sufferings of the world,I’m thinking of clipped wings,I’m thinking of a friend of mine who died in a car accident,I’m thinking of a girl that I loved and I didn’t have the courage to tell her that I loved her,I’m thinking of how I failed in everything I did.I took painkillers to ease the pain.It’s not working.I feel like somebody is putting a nail into my brain.I remembered something that I saw when I was 10-11 years old: there was a little girl with her father on a playground.And she had a limp.I felt so bad,so sad when I saw her.And now I remember this and I cry.And this is something that I saw two decades ago.I remembered one time when I went to my local video store and I saw the clerk who was crying.She tried to hide this from me and came to serve me.I didn’t ask her why she was crying,because I didn’t want to be annoying.And I felt so bad that I didn’t try to help her in some way,to ask what’s the problem and if I could help.I remember this now and I feel very bad.And I feel bad about this thing that happened 15-17 years ago.Am I going insane?Am I losing my mind?I’m a failure,a lost cause,a nobody.A depressed snip.A weak man that hides a terrified child in him.Many will say ”go to a psychiatrist,take antidepressants,seek treatment.” What’s the point?How is this going to change my life status?I have no motivation and no purpose.No goals.I’ve wasted my life and I can’t do anything about it.Nothing matters anymore.I don’t matter anymore.I can’t be a social person,I can’t behave as I ought to.I can’t live with other people and I can’t live by myself anymore.This loneliness is killing me.I’m afraid of myself.Everything in my life has collapsed.I’ve been reading on the internet the past hour about suicides.There is no other solution.I’ve made it to 32.I won’t make it to 33.
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8 comments
Holy crap 🙁 I may not be as old as you, but I know your pain. I spend every night going over my life’s failures in my head…over and over again.
Thank you.You know,I read your post.Obviously you’re young.Don’t be a failure like me.You have many things to do and many great things to achieve.
Maybe some refocusing of thoughts will help you come out of this some….
Maybe a new hobby,,,,, I dunno…
But it can’t make you feel worse than you already are….
Worth a try..
I tried and tried again.It was all in vain or I failed.Anyway,thank you for your comment.
Compassion fatigue and empathy. Your curse. Absorbing others pain and needing to do something to fix it. Yeah, it’s bad stuff. It’s easy to tell you to just accept that everyone suffers, that it’s a fact of life, and getting on with your day is the best thing to do. You turn a blind eye to others pain, and then you have to kick your own ass for that. So you take on their pain, and wallow in more grief than you can handle, and the ship takes on more water.
It requires a hardening. You have to have an outlet, whether it’s writing, photography, exercise, blimp chasing, tortilla making. Somewhere you can go that’s safe, quiet, and exclusively yours. Exercise helps me a lot. Only you can determine what works for you. The most difficult part is the acceptance, or rather, turning away from others pain when you realize taking it upon yourself will cause YOU harm. Absorbing someone else’s grief won’t fix their problems. I quit a job at an animal shelter for these reasons – other people’s sadness was overwhelming me.
If you can steel yourself and learn to accept that sometimes there is nothing you can do and that others must suffer, it might help. It sounds callous and uncaring, but it will help keep you alive, if that ultimately is the path you choose. Look up compassion fatigue, I’m sure there’s a lot written about it on our world wide spider web. You’re not going insane, you’re just feeling too much from a kind, sensitive, caring heart.
Yes,I know…There are sometimes,when my depression kicks in,that I feel like I absorb everyone’s pain.I guess that’s what the Germans meant with the word Weltschmerz.Those painkillers that I took,put me to sleep.I slept,I woke up and now I’m feeling a little bit better.I tried to find a hobby.I tried exercising,I tried going on walks in nature etc,but it didn’t paid off.I don’t know what to do anymore.I’m lost.Everytime I have these crises I’m afraid of myself.
Anyway,I’d like to thank you once.You’ve been very kind to me and I appreciate that.You always try to help.Thank you.
Take care, as much as that’s possible. It’s a tough road.
Taf Taf, I hope you’re still around. I can relate to you so much. You see, I cry all the time too.