I’m 17 years old, diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and boderline personnality traits. I’ve been hospitalized in a psych ward on 3 occasions in the past 5 months, one lasting a month and a half for suicidal plans and attempt. I tried to slit my wrists open.
At this point I’ve tried everything to help myself, I’m on meds, going to therapy, seeking help when needed, but I don’t feel a change. I’m just surrounded by a never ending darkness and basically sinking lower and lower every passing day. The suffering is way too much and everyone around me thinks I’m better and acts as if I’m somewhat cured. My parents don’t even believe that I’ll actually kill myself and low-key think it’s just for attention and the fact that I’m mentally ill. They think it’s just a “teenager crisis”…please. Fact is I’m incurable, helpless… I cut almost every day in the inner thighs knowing that I’m an inch closer to death every time I go deeper. My mind is constantly overflowing with thoughts of death to the point where nothing is worth is anymore. I mean why bother when I’ll be dead soon? However, the only thing stopping me from swallowing the 60 or so pills (a mix of ativan, seroquel and risperidone) is the fact that if I miss, I’ll end up once more in a hospital and afterwards in a youth center for an undetermined time to “protect me for myself” since they’ve basically tried everything else on me. See what I mean by being helpless? A youth center won’t do jack shit to help me and frankly would depress me even more. I’m seriously lost on what to do. The days are getting worse and my patience is slowly disappearing. I need to vanish from this world because what’s the point in living if I’m forever going to be suffering? This isn’t a life, it’s hell.
4 comments
I know that you feel like there is no saving you, that you’re incurable, but that is not true. that’s just your mind convincing you of that- remember, the mind is a VERY powerful thing. there has got to be an option for you. is there a family member you can live with in a different state or something, allowing you to start over somewhere new? maybe you can see a new therapist, change meds, Idk….but killing yourself is not the solution. I promise you can and will get better.
Sadly, no I do not. I’m supposed to see a psychiatrist soon so maybe they’ll change my meds or up the dosage. I don’t know it’s just so hard living like this and it’s been so long that I’ve forgotten what being “normal”/”happy” feels like. Anyhow, thanks for your concern I guess.
I have MDD too! Things will get better. I wish I could say it’s like magic but it’s not. It takes work. So put your seatbelt on and let’s get started!
If you don’t mind me asking, how long has it been since you’ve started your treatment?