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Well its 3:00am on my end and I cant sleep.   Stupid anxiety…..   Even the strong drink I whipped up didn’t work to knock my ass out ( 7-up with a shot and a half of vodka mixed in) Even though I have class tomorrow and I have to take my homophobic grandmother to the hospital for a doctors appointment. Yay!

My boyfriend came over to visit me for a little bit tonight and even though his boss called him and told him to come in to work tomorrow on his day off. He asked my dad if he could stay the night though I already told him no.  Yet guess who gets yelled and cussed at by my dad because of it. Yep nothing better than trying to do classwork with your anxiety being over the top, you biting your lip in tears, with the music up loud in your headphones trying to get class work done while honestly thinking about killing myself….

Yep that happened when I was done I went to the bathroom to fix my hair and make sure my eyes weren’t blood shot so my boyfriend wouldn’t notice anything was wrong. Though I’m  terrible at hiding my feelings or he could already sense it. I act like nothings wrong and convince him barley that nothing was wrong.

I wish I could tell him about the shit I put up with. But whats the point? Its still gonna happen anyways and no one is gonna fucking do anything or stick up for me.  Though on a good note I manage to relax a little after that drink and get comfy though none of my family members are currently speaking to me.

Tonight could of ended worse but at least I didn’t relapse so that’s a good sign. Honestly I swear once I move out and start cutting certain people out of my life. My mental health and well being will definitely get better.