Right now, my head is being flooded with horrible memories of all of the times I’ve had psychotic episodes in front of people. In front of my parents, my siblings, my friends, my classmates. The humiliation of it is crushing me. I just want to forget.
It’s times like this where I can’t help but wonder, what’s the point in living if I can’t do so with dignity? If I’m just going to spend the rest of my life like this, constantly humiliating myself in front of everyone I know, then why not just die?
4 comments
I see what you are saying. I empathized with you as I read this.
There are two overlapping positive possibilities. You find a way to build a life where you surround yourself with people who understand the issues you’re dealing with and who would know that you are not humiliating yourself, but that you’re fighting against a formidable disorder/disease/etc. And the second possibility being that you find the right medication and therapist that enables you to live a “normal” life. I don’t know if you remember me saying so, but I had a friend who was schizophrenic. And because of his therapist and medication (among other things), he was living a relatively normal life.
It’s frustrating how horrible memories have a way of evoking powerful emotions, and can leave us feeling embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, and even make us question whether life still has worth. It’s truly difficult dealing with all the noise and chaos when we’re being pulled down, and worse still when the eventual humiliation catches up and won’t let go, and the fear that we may have inadvertently alienated those we hold dear only compounds the pain.
We seem to be predisposed through human nature to feel psychological discomfort over behaviours which are not shared by all humans. Though, reliving and holding on to these unresolved feelings helps no one, and can even hurt our physical well being.
To me, the feelings you carry attest to high morals, and that you care. It shows you empathise with the feeling of those around you.
Sometimes there’s little else that one can do but let go, and keep moving forward. The feelings are brutally real, but humiliation over something beyond our control is unfair and not deserved.
But I’m glad you’re still here. I’ve been off this site for a while, and it’s good to see you as a familiar face, even though you’re still doing badly and want to end it. God bless you Kat.