The Tip of the Iceberg

I’ve felt occasionally suicidal for about 6 years now (I’m 19) and it’s been getting bad again. I’m just always anxious and stressed from school even when I am on top of things and am getting stuff done. I don’t like taking the time to indulge or relax because I am afraid that if I stop working, I’ll just stop functioning like I am now. I literally can’t enjoy things because if I do, it disrupts my life. I just can’t look forward to any sort of future where I’m continuously stressed. It doesn’t help that I don’t enjoy my major and can’t think of any profession where I would be happy. I also feel extremely guilty for feeling this way since I don’t have any traumatic background or recent events that have caused my unhappiness. I’m usually very self motivated but this past week I just can’t bring myself to do anything and instead I spend my time trying to build myself up and just get it all over with. Any time I don’t spend being productive just escalates my anxiety and my desire to die. I just can’t figure out what I’m going to do because I’m afraid of pain but I want to die, I could check myself in somewhere but that would destroy my being and disrupt any hope of achieving a normal life, I could seek out counseling and medication but from past experience counseling hasn’t helped, and I don’t want to go through the pain and humiliation of anyone finding out.