Chronic pain

May 22nd, 2018by Agonizing

I had one injection of antipsychotics 4 months ago because of malpractice, here’s the outcome

  • I have anhedonia, i literally cant feel pleasure or reward , instead there is anxiety, restlessness, nausea
  • My inner emotions and thoughts are in constant unrest
  • I can’t play xbox for 5 minutes to relax, the unrest dominates every moment
  • Music doesn’t give me an inner good feeling, I feel rubbed up the wrong way by anything stimulating  and pleasurable
  • I compulsively ruminate nonstop trying to turn back time to I spend hours in bed trapped in my mind
  • I cry everyday like I’ve just lost my family and the pain is raw, but the pain of losing loved ones is less than losing the part of your brain that makes you feel like you
  • Seeing my old photos truly feels like im looking at someone already dead, the most important inner part of self has been burned by the government appointed drugs
  • I’ve given up on 17 years of writing code, going to the gym, making music and art just as I was reaching maturity and mastering my interests
  • I was often regarded as one of the most intelligent and special people, and I was, especially after I had plenty psychedelics and overcame plenty other issues prior to this. Now I feel envious of the lowest bum who at least hasn’t been injected with brain poison acid
  • My soul is trapped in my brain,  it causes me to scream out inside, while nothing shows on the outside, i just screamed again while writing this
  • Waking up feels like the same continuous day, no sense of rest, my brain feels like it’s been skidded under a car tyre all the time
  • I would rather be in a wheelchair
  • Every day feels like a whole chapter in my life, thoughts of suicide have been every single minute, certain it has to happen
  • I want to live to be there for my loved ones and see old age myself, but I’m too damaged and it’s too difficult to continue, worst outcome ever

I thought I was suicidal in the past, I never tried to do it but now I hope I can get it done soon.

 

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