I had one injection of antipsychotics 4 months ago because of malpractice, here’s the outcome
- I have anhedonia, i literally cant feel pleasure or reward , instead there is anxiety, restlessness, nausea
- My inner emotions and thoughts are in constant unrest
- I can’t play xbox for 5 minutes to relax, the unrest dominates every moment
- Music doesn’t give me an inner good feeling, I feel rubbed up the wrong way by anything stimulating and pleasurable
- I compulsively ruminate nonstop trying to turn back time to I spend hours in bed trapped in my mind
- I cry everyday like I’ve just lost my family and the pain is raw, but the pain of losing loved ones is less than losing the part of your brain that makes you feel like you
- Seeing my old photos truly feels like im looking at someone already dead, the most important inner part of self has been burned by the government appointed drugs
- I’ve given up on 17 years of writing code, going to the gym, making music and art just as I was reaching maturity and mastering my interests
- I was often regarded as one of the most intelligent and special people, and I was, especially after I had plenty psychedelics and overcame plenty other issues prior to this. Now I feel envious of the lowest bum who at least hasn’t been injected with brain poison acid
- My soul is trapped in my brain, it causes me to scream out inside, while nothing shows on the outside, i just screamed again while writing this
- Waking up feels like the same continuous day, no sense of rest, my brain feels like it’s been skidded under a car tyre all the time
- I would rather be in a wheelchair
- Every day feels like a whole chapter in my life, thoughts of suicide have been every single minute, certain it has to happen
- I want to live to be there for my loved ones and see old age myself, but I’m too damaged and it’s too difficult to continue, worst outcome ever
I thought I was suicidal in the past, I never tried to do it but now I hope I can get it done soon.
38 comments
I’m not going to lie Agonizing, I feel the same way you do. I don’t remember the last time I did anything to try and enjoy myself.
I know exactly how you feel.
I worry that I won’t see your posts, because I know you are near suicide, I know this because when I read your words it’s as if you are explaining the way I feel.
All day I been trying to clear my mind so I can hang myself. In 2 hrs I will have an opportunity hang myself, will I have the courage, I don’t know.
I cant say I will I can’t say I won’t, all I can say is I won’t be posting words if I do. Today I was worried about you Agonizing. I know if I don’t see you posting is cause you would be dead.
This is too crazy.
I, as a homosexual, pagan, African American, lower class, transgender, paraplegic, orphan, mentally retarded, HIV positive woman living in a ditch in Somalia beg to differ with your declaration of having it the worst.
No, you’re a troll
Lmao Arwenof Astora
Shoo1 troll go lol elsewhere your time will come
Who cares who has it the worst? If someone’s in pain then they’re in pain, and just because someone else has a different experience doesn’t take away or negate that pain. Everyone’s pain is valid. I honestly think it’s pretty stupid to argue over who has it worse. Like, what’s the freaking point? Let’s just make each other feel that much worse, right? f*ck that.
I said I was jealous of others here, I wish I didn’t have to write anything here I wish I didn’t know a site like this exists cos that would mean I wasn’t in a world of hell. You just made me feel much worse
Agonizing I feel your pain, you are one of the most genuine people here.
Why am I so scare to live and so scared to die. I’m such a coward.
Thank you, glad you’re still here. I don’t understand your predicament and reason to want suicide so bad. I have an unbearable life by any standards, no offense but you sound like you have trivial issues and are being extra hard on yourself
I’m laying here in my bed crying because I can’t end myself I made a noose out of a towel it’s actually a pretty comfortable noose.
Beleive me they are not trivial.
I’m trying to avoid an unparalleled debt, due to accidently lying on a medicaid application, the house my brother, my mom and I live in could easily be lost for more than one reason and my dad who is the closest person in my life got diagnosed with a rare uncurable cancer, I’m trying to abandon ship before the crash. I don’t want to be alive to see the horror, plus if I end myself now rather than later I will cause less pain to my brother and mom, parents are divorced.
I care that I have it the worst, I wish I had the option to not be compelled to suicide, it is not a competition to see who is worst, I can’t see how anyone would feel worse after reading my post, im highlighting how much damage antipsychotics can do, not trying to make anyone feel pathetic for wsnting to kill themselves, i thought people migjt read about my story and get a different perspective. your response with your swearing definitely offends me at the most vulnerable moment, “f*ck that” and all
Honestly I think my situation is worse than yours because you can get government aid if needed be, I’m afraid I won’t be ablessed to because of the potential fraud charges I might be getting, and even if I don’t get those fraud charges I will be living afraid that one day they might. I’m looking at potential fraud and perjury charges and grand theft of about 30k in restitution, is what I’m thinking. Forget that , life was already hard enough for me before all thsee things. The more I think about it the more I know that I need to end it.
I was talking about Arwen -_-
But its true. We have different journeys, and different struggles, but its all depression and pain just the same.
Sorry Zigzag, i feel better to know you were addressing that troll and not jumping down my throat. I know my post might be taken wrongly as I made a bold and unnecessary statement in downplaying others, everyone has their reason, thank you for your postings I found them interesting and helpful
There is something keeping you alive agonizing. Talk to us. What are your thoughts.
I can’t seem to clear my mind to hang myself. Although I will be trying in 1.5 hrs.
Sorry youre upset DW, your family needs you mate, I bet they don’t even know a thing about your plans, don’t do this to them or yourself stay here and talk. I am desperate to hang myself as well, i woke up swearing I was gonna do it
They know that I’m trying to kill myself, I told them. They treat me good and they treat me bad at the same time.
DW your health is your wealth. How can debt make you want to do this?
And the last thing your dad needs is to find out his son has killed himself on top of cancer. You are assuming things are going to turn out a certain way, whatever happens you’re intact and equipped to deal with it.
Not necessarily, I have devilitating anxiety and depression, I’m not lying when I say I feel the same way you do. Everything you said you can’t do is the same with me, every pleasurable thing rub me the wrong way.
“Rubs me the wrong way”
You do remind me of myself in how desperate and eager you sound. Have you tried psychedelics? They can’t help me because I am brain damaged but they could help you.
I’ve smoked a lot of weed, concentrates cocaine and alcohol, but I think mushrooms and acid, would make me worse.
Ayahuasca and dmt will most likely help than harm, they are short trips and extremely enlightening. i have no experience with acid or mushrooms. Just trying to suggest ways to avoid it for you
Thanks Agonizing, I appreciate that you care.
But I been brought down by life to much to want to even try anything new, I’ve seen too much to want to continue here, the only reason I’m still here is the fear of death being worse than life, knowing my luck.
What part of the world are you from?
I really thought today was the day for me to end it all. And I’m still thinking about it. The noose is set inside my room and my door is locked, I have a few hours left to try and accomplish it.
I made a noose where I know I’ll pass out with out too much pain, will I feel pain when I’m gasping for oxygen, I don’t know, but there is a deeper fear than pain it’s the eternal consequence.
I’m getting scared of trying again and failing. Each time I try and fail it shows me how hard it is to do. I don’t want to see another day I’ve felt like that several times. I have taken the plunge by trying to gas myself hoping my body would submit but it didn’t, I should have been dead 3 weeks ago, I won’t have missed out on anything comparable to my previous life except a whole lot of intense gruelling agony. My loved ones would be 3 weeks into coming to terms with my death, instead I’m alive and still at square one as I have been for 4 months and set to feel the same painful headaches nonstop. I can’t see how to make the hanging less painful, i think suffocation can be avoided especially with partial suspension, i am too scared to hang fully
I found a way today to make hanging less painful. I could feel myself passing out with no pain what so ever, it’s actually scary how easy it is.
I’m just scared of actually going through with it.
But I know I have to.
I want to tell you how to because I don’t want you to suffer, but I don’t want to tell you how, because I don’t want you to kill yourself. At least not til after I kill myself. Right now you are the only person that I think that knows how I feel. And I do appreciate you talking to me.
I know how to reduce the pain and reduce suffocation I got closer to passing out but things were getting violent.
Have you tried?
Are you practicing partial suspension or full hanging?
What did you find hardest about it?
I’m practicing both, but since I can’t do full suspension in my room I’m inclined to go for partial suspension.
But there is a place in the back yard that I could do full suspension off a curve, and it would be easier since it could be more of an accidental suicide, the problem is that there is a higher chance of me being saved and my family members would be first to find me, I rather it be the police that sees me first.
Hopefully my family doesn’t have to see me hanging.
I’ve seen about 5 videos of people committing suicide by hanging and there are 2 that catch my attention the most one is full suspension the other is partial suspension both went uncouncious really quick I’m talking less than 10 seconds. Of course they did star convolsing, but I wonder if that is something that is felt or if it’s something that is not felt, one of the videos it seemed like it was something that was not felt.
I don’t think the convulsions are felt but it’s still scary and undignified. Still I’m so tense I’m just putting off the urge to try again. My last good attempt was so difficult and it showed me there was a world of insane pain awaiting, i didnt let myself go and now I replay that memory I don’t think I will be able to again. It makes me want to cry because I now have to try to get through the day. I would tell you where I’m from but I don’t really want others seeing qny more personal information on me.. noose is on my neck now
I understand you not wanting to say where your from I don’t want to say where I’m from either.
I don’t want tomorow to happen.
I think you should wait it out there maybe u will be back to normal in a few months.. THanks for the talk. I’m going to try and see if I can end it now. Noose is on my neck now too. I’ll post later if I’m still alive.
Good luck agonizing.
U
I just tried and it is too damn hard I hate this
Thank you for sharing, it sounds so much like me although we are not going through the same issues. Mine are bad enough for me, I see no way out! 🙁
I hear you, you must be feeling it bad then. What is your story? Thanks for commenting