I hate

I feel you, I really do. I hate being black and the stigma that comes with it when it comes to mental illness. Black girls don’t cry, black girls don’t cut, black girls aren’t suicidal; we’re supposed to be strong independent women who represent the black community. It seems like we aren’t allowed to be weak, we gotta toughen up ’cause life sucks and it only gets tougher
I hate everything about my appearance, my body, my scars, my face my hair…
I hate having a rare personality type (INTJ) that no one ever understands. I hate my way of thinking and my rationale because it’s so hard to understand sometimes. I hate the way all the things I like and dislike, the way I act, the way I dress, the way I speak (like a “white girl”) my opinions, my intelligence – all it does is alienate me, make me feel wrong and isolated…
I hate having so many disorders and being on meds. I hate they way they make me feel – like a freak. I hate how nobody understands, how no one stops to think “hey, maybe she’s going through stuff, maybe that’s why she’s acting like this, can’t focus…”
I hate the way that this makes me feel so alone.
I hate living in the south, where everyone is old fashioned and close-minded, where people are too much of a community, where opinions run rampant and not many are willing to change them or have them opposed. I hate living in a teeny rickety town out in the country, where everyone knows everyone else and good luck trying to enlighten anyone (not everyone in the southern states are like this, though, I realize that)
I hate living in DSS custody, where they claim to take you from bad home situations to keep you safe and happy, and end up traumatizing you even further and leaving you to fend for yourself in some or the worst situations. You have zero control over your life save for what you eat, drink, wear and speak, though sometimes not even that. And it’s rare that you’ll come across someone who actually genuinely cares.
I hate ALL of this. It eats away at my insides.
I HATE that you’re going through what you are going through.
I HATE that this happens to innocent people.
We didn’t wish to be born, it just happened.
BUT. Guess what?
Pain ENDS. That’s just a fact. Logically, pain cannot last for the decades that make up a human lifespan. It must come to an end eventually. Completely, no. But it ebbs away, its intensity fading until it’s manageable. “Normal” pain (though what’s even normal anymore to be honest).
It’s gets better. You just gotta hang in there. I know, MUCH easier said than done, trust me. But you get better at it the longer you do it. Give it a shot. And remember
You’re not alone.