It’s on the 7th, honestly I’m just ready for it to be over. Maybe it’s that mixed with other anxieties. My 31st birthday is coming up too, on the 9th.
I just feel kind of disconnected, I think it’s my nerves getting the best of me.
You can totally cut wood without cutting yourself, but that doesn’t mean the urge won’t be there. It’s f*cking frustrating having to fight with yourself, especially when part of yourself wants to destroy everything.
Oh wow, so you have a couple of big things soon. do you do ok with birthdays in general? i think i remember you had some final intentions for one of them..
until last year, my date never really fazed me much and then i understood why folks generally dislike it.. i really hope to avoid a repeat.
if that is the case, at least there isn’t too much longer to wait for those events to pass.
i managed one piece and said screw the rest for now, might return tomorrow.
gods you’re right with that though. when you’re in the middle of something or just finished, it really does not help the process.
Yeah, last year I had a struggle with my birthday. I had always told myself that if I was still having a really hard time with the whole ‘life thing’ by my 30th that I could finally end it. I had a couple fentanyl patches and I was pretty ready to just peace out (on more than one occasion) last year and the year prior. Thankfully I had quite a lot of support and understanding from someone… I’m still here because of it.
This year is different. I won’t do anything like that, no matter how difficult things may be at times. I’ve finally been dealing with things without substances. A lot has and IS changing for me.
Yep, I don’t know if I’ll ever lose my self-destructive part completely. The more I think of it, in order to slay that part I would need to keep at least a small piece of it tucked in place anyway, right? To kill off the self-destructive part of me would in fact be a self-destructive act, because it is indeed a part of me? I don’t know, now I’m just rambling. Are you doing more wood cutting today? How are you feeling?
my therapist brought up me living til i’m thirty.. and my first thought to that was no way in hell. too many days and it’s already hard enough to get through most of them. I turn 23 next month.. sigh. you picked a decent milestone in any case, though I’m glad you didn’t commit to that plan.
🙂 strange how some things happen.. definitely one of those for the better.
which is a good thing. and i can believe it’s harder.. i know you said you weren’t directly harming yourself in other ways either, which makes it doubly impressive.
honestly, i’ve always been wary of trying anything because my relatives never had a good track record and.. knowing how much i struggle with my current methods, i feel like it’d make things harder for me. anytime i try to curb one bad habit another one seems to increase in its place.
hah, makes sense to me.
i fell apart this morning, so i haven’t picked it up.. i should though.
I’ve been trying to cut out pieces of wood to make drawers for a jewelry box i found that was missing its four, but i didn’t want to cough up the money for a small table saw which would get everything done in a half hour.. regretting that. instead i got a small hand held dremel tool which.. has been interesting to work with. it’s been a on/off project.
Yeah, the days often drag while you’re in them… then all of a sudden a decade has passed you by. Time is a strange thing. I do understand that depression, anxiety, and not to mention running thoughts, can make a minute seem like hours. I think 30 was a good expiration date for me to set, if I hadn’t held on I would have missed out on some great things (scattered amongst all the shit). Plus, my point of view has shifted drastically (in some ways) since my early twenties. I think not setting a date is obviously best, but sometimes knowing you have an out is so very relieving. That being said, I want you to stick around. I want to see things shift in a good way for you. A lot of times when I read or see your stuff, it’s like I am seeing bits of myself reflected at strange angles. I can relate to your pain… I get where you’re coming from. I care.
Yesss, not using substances to distract from the pain/turmoil of everyday life and also not having the release of a good self-beating… it’s the hardest but most beneficial thing I can do for myself. I feel you, my family consists of some addicts/alcoholics (on my fucked up father’s side). You are wise to avoid substance abuse, especially if you know how poorly it could go for you. I wish I had never gotten into drinking, I always got carried away and made poor choices while intoxicated. I’ve gotten hurt and so have others. I still crave the buzz of drinking at times. I just know it’s not somewhere I can go anymore. Have you ever tried replacing a bad habit with a healthier one? Like, if you’re craving physical pain, maybe work out or run until you’re exhausted?
What happened to trigger you to “fall apart”? Maybe it’s good that the project is time consuming, gives you somewhere to focus, and the feeling of accomplishment once it’s done will be much more rewarding with this process rather than “coughing up money” and taking the easy route. Is the jewelry box for yourself?
time really is strange.. i feel that all the time.
did you have any idea of what you wanted to do in your early twenties? cuz i’ve done everything i wanted, and it was a small list. i’ve been hanging on to dates for a couple of years now.. definitely takes some pressure off.
I suppose seeing reflections make sense.. i know i relate to a lot of things you’ve put up.
and obviously i wish you well too.
I can understand the attraction of it.. and i suppose in moderation it’s not that bad a thing, though as you’ve experienced it can harm too.. though you use what you need to cope. i think there’s more.. i don’t know, respect i suppose, in knowing someone can overcome.
ha, exercise for it’s own sake has never had an appeal to me.. ive used pain to cope since i was a child, too, so it’s.. when push comes to shove, it’s instinct. i can stop doing certain things, but i guess i never really found a good alternative to anything.
probably just stress and anxiety.. i think i had too much time off and wasn’t sure how to distract myself, should’ve gone out more.
ha, maybe. although i’ll admit i went on amazon and ordered a mini table saw.. i feel like im too inexperienced for this thing and i want it to look well put together in the end. it’ll be for me, and if i change my mind i’ll just give it back to goodwill. i don’t have much jewelry but i can put a few things in it, and its pretty.
I feel sad and a bit worn out. i hope you’re ok, and not too stressed about tomorrow.
A lot of things that I thought I wanted, I found were not all they were cracked up to be. Fulfilling desires does not always mean meeting expectations. Also I did not get to do everything I wanted (still want) to do, I haven’t travelled nearly enough for my liking. I’ve never left this country, and haven’t even done all THAT MUCH traveling within it.
Yeah, holding onto expiration dates can help with feeling a sense of relief, but I’ve found I get more done if I embrace the discomfort that comes along with knowing I’m going to be here for a while. It’s easier to let go of the bad stuff if you know you’re ending it “soon”, but then it’s also easy to avoid any sort of forward motion.
Exercise can be quite painful, that’s what actually made me bring it up, but I get not really feeling an urge to go that route. On a more effed up note, people are less likely to bat an eye about you exercising aggressively, as opposed to cutting/burning/etc.
Ah, did you isolate yourself during the time off and let your thoughts torture you? Maybe going outside (by the river or somewhere peaceful) would have helped… or (if you were feeling up to it) spending time with your close friend? Sometimes being around people isn’t an option though. Yesterday I saw an old friend of mine who I haven’t seen in ages. Sadly I just felt sort of awkward and irked by their visit. Like, I just wanted to be alone. I felt like I had to wear a mask, because I feel like a totally different person from back when we were more close. Plus I’m all anxious about upcoming stuff.
Mini table saw! Are you going to start doing more creatively with woodworking? If you feel up to it, you should share the fixed up jewelry box once you’re done with it… mostly because I’m nosy and want to see it. 🙂
I’m okay, been a bit moody myself today. Just feeling sort of… unworthy. I am hoping after tomorrow I will feel better. I really hope I get my license reinstated so I can get myself a cheap car. I miss the freedom of being able to just get in my car and drive somewhere.
I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, I think sadness is One of the hardest things to allow yourself to feel. Anger is so much easier, as is avoiding it and disconnecting. Allowing yourself to fully feel it out is a beneficial thing I think. I hope you can treat yourself with some kindness while feeling so blue
“fulfilling desires..” so true.
but at least travel isn’t something that you’ll run out of time for. I know what you mean with not seeing everything you want, ive only visited places with friends/relatives here.
I guess I see the point.. there’s been times I’ve put things off because “what’s the point, I’ll be gone soon.” I know I’ve managed stuff anyways and technically made progress but.. mostly I feel like there’s no forward.
yeah, but usually if you do it enough to hurt you’re still going to be sore for a few days after from pushing it.. although I guess with a lot of harm the same could be said, it’s usually just a small area that’s affected vs major body parts. I know, ive had that thought too. it’s weird though, like tattoos/piercings hurt at the time and they’re perfectly acceptable, sometimes celebrated scars.. society is strange.
I saw a far away friend for the first half, and I did want to see my close friend when I got back, but.. I don’t know. I got upset with her over something and she doesn’t want to talk with me right now, so that was part of it.
I did go out to a far store that afternoon, though. the river would’ve been a good idea.
aw, that sucks. it happens sometimes, though. I know I wouldn’t be able to really talk to some of my old friends beyond basic stuff.
I’ve had an idea for a type of music box for ages, except I don’t really have skills for a big project yet.. but I’ve learned it’s better to get tools for myself than just hope someone else will have what I need. eventually I’ll need to get a tool box.
sure, I’ll post a picture once it’s done 🙂
I hope you keep in mind it’s just a feeling, and as big an impact it can have it’s not true. I hope today went well for you. I know how nice it is to have that sense of personal freedom to get around.
mostly I’m just trying to stay busy.. anger at least takes energy, seems to be something you can redirect to other things. sadness just saps you.
13 comments
how are you feeling today?
I’m alright, feeling a little ‘out of body’… how about you?
you said you had your court date this month, right? is that what’s been affecting you lately?
I’m trying to convince myself I can cut wood without cutting myself.. it’s been a bad day for the mood.
It’s on the 7th, honestly I’m just ready for it to be over. Maybe it’s that mixed with other anxieties. My 31st birthday is coming up too, on the 9th.
I just feel kind of disconnected, I think it’s my nerves getting the best of me.
You can totally cut wood without cutting yourself, but that doesn’t mean the urge won’t be there. It’s f*cking frustrating having to fight with yourself, especially when part of yourself wants to destroy everything.
Oh wow, so you have a couple of big things soon. do you do ok with birthdays in general? i think i remember you had some final intentions for one of them..
until last year, my date never really fazed me much and then i understood why folks generally dislike it.. i really hope to avoid a repeat.
if that is the case, at least there isn’t too much longer to wait for those events to pass.
i managed one piece and said screw the rest for now, might return tomorrow.
gods you’re right with that though. when you’re in the middle of something or just finished, it really does not help the process.
Yeah, last year I had a struggle with my birthday. I had always told myself that if I was still having a really hard time with the whole ‘life thing’ by my 30th that I could finally end it. I had a couple fentanyl patches and I was pretty ready to just peace out (on more than one occasion) last year and the year prior. Thankfully I had quite a lot of support and understanding from someone… I’m still here because of it.
This year is different. I won’t do anything like that, no matter how difficult things may be at times. I’ve finally been dealing with things without substances. A lot has and IS changing for me.
Yep, I don’t know if I’ll ever lose my self-destructive part completely. The more I think of it, in order to slay that part I would need to keep at least a small piece of it tucked in place anyway, right? To kill off the self-destructive part of me would in fact be a self-destructive act, because it is indeed a part of me? I don’t know, now I’m just rambling. Are you doing more wood cutting today? How are you feeling?
my therapist brought up me living til i’m thirty.. and my first thought to that was no way in hell. too many days and it’s already hard enough to get through most of them. I turn 23 next month.. sigh. you picked a decent milestone in any case, though I’m glad you didn’t commit to that plan.
🙂 strange how some things happen.. definitely one of those for the better.
which is a good thing. and i can believe it’s harder.. i know you said you weren’t directly harming yourself in other ways either, which makes it doubly impressive.
honestly, i’ve always been wary of trying anything because my relatives never had a good track record and.. knowing how much i struggle with my current methods, i feel like it’d make things harder for me. anytime i try to curb one bad habit another one seems to increase in its place.
hah, makes sense to me.
i fell apart this morning, so i haven’t picked it up.. i should though.
I’ve been trying to cut out pieces of wood to make drawers for a jewelry box i found that was missing its four, but i didn’t want to cough up the money for a small table saw which would get everything done in a half hour.. regretting that. instead i got a small hand held dremel tool which.. has been interesting to work with. it’s been a on/off project.
i don’t know. i feel calmish for the moment.
Yeah, the days often drag while you’re in them… then all of a sudden a decade has passed you by. Time is a strange thing. I do understand that depression, anxiety, and not to mention running thoughts, can make a minute seem like hours. I think 30 was a good expiration date for me to set, if I hadn’t held on I would have missed out on some great things (scattered amongst all the shit). Plus, my point of view has shifted drastically (in some ways) since my early twenties. I think not setting a date is obviously best, but sometimes knowing you have an out is so very relieving. That being said, I want you to stick around. I want to see things shift in a good way for you. A lot of times when I read or see your stuff, it’s like I am seeing bits of myself reflected at strange angles. I can relate to your pain… I get where you’re coming from. I care.
Yesss, not using substances to distract from the pain/turmoil of everyday life and also not having the release of a good self-beating… it’s the hardest but most beneficial thing I can do for myself. I feel you, my family consists of some addicts/alcoholics (on my fucked up father’s side). You are wise to avoid substance abuse, especially if you know how poorly it could go for you. I wish I had never gotten into drinking, I always got carried away and made poor choices while intoxicated. I’ve gotten hurt and so have others. I still crave the buzz of drinking at times. I just know it’s not somewhere I can go anymore. Have you ever tried replacing a bad habit with a healthier one? Like, if you’re craving physical pain, maybe work out or run until you’re exhausted?
What happened to trigger you to “fall apart”? Maybe it’s good that the project is time consuming, gives you somewhere to focus, and the feeling of accomplishment once it’s done will be much more rewarding with this process rather than “coughing up money” and taking the easy route. Is the jewelry box for yourself?
How are you today?
time really is strange.. i feel that all the time.
did you have any idea of what you wanted to do in your early twenties? cuz i’ve done everything i wanted, and it was a small list. i’ve been hanging on to dates for a couple of years now.. definitely takes some pressure off.
I suppose seeing reflections make sense.. i know i relate to a lot of things you’ve put up.
and obviously i wish you well too.
I can understand the attraction of it.. and i suppose in moderation it’s not that bad a thing, though as you’ve experienced it can harm too.. though you use what you need to cope. i think there’s more.. i don’t know, respect i suppose, in knowing someone can overcome.
ha, exercise for it’s own sake has never had an appeal to me.. ive used pain to cope since i was a child, too, so it’s.. when push comes to shove, it’s instinct. i can stop doing certain things, but i guess i never really found a good alternative to anything.
probably just stress and anxiety.. i think i had too much time off and wasn’t sure how to distract myself, should’ve gone out more.
ha, maybe. although i’ll admit i went on amazon and ordered a mini table saw.. i feel like im too inexperienced for this thing and i want it to look well put together in the end. it’ll be for me, and if i change my mind i’ll just give it back to goodwill. i don’t have much jewelry but i can put a few things in it, and its pretty.
I feel sad and a bit worn out. i hope you’re ok, and not too stressed about tomorrow.
A lot of things that I thought I wanted, I found were not all they were cracked up to be. Fulfilling desires does not always mean meeting expectations. Also I did not get to do everything I wanted (still want) to do, I haven’t travelled nearly enough for my liking. I’ve never left this country, and haven’t even done all THAT MUCH traveling within it.
Yeah, holding onto expiration dates can help with feeling a sense of relief, but I’ve found I get more done if I embrace the discomfort that comes along with knowing I’m going to be here for a while. It’s easier to let go of the bad stuff if you know you’re ending it “soon”, but then it’s also easy to avoid any sort of forward motion.
Exercise can be quite painful, that’s what actually made me bring it up, but I get not really feeling an urge to go that route. On a more effed up note, people are less likely to bat an eye about you exercising aggressively, as opposed to cutting/burning/etc.
Ah, did you isolate yourself during the time off and let your thoughts torture you? Maybe going outside (by the river or somewhere peaceful) would have helped… or (if you were feeling up to it) spending time with your close friend? Sometimes being around people isn’t an option though. Yesterday I saw an old friend of mine who I haven’t seen in ages. Sadly I just felt sort of awkward and irked by their visit. Like, I just wanted to be alone. I felt like I had to wear a mask, because I feel like a totally different person from back when we were more close. Plus I’m all anxious about upcoming stuff.
Mini table saw! Are you going to start doing more creatively with woodworking? If you feel up to it, you should share the fixed up jewelry box once you’re done with it… mostly because I’m nosy and want to see it. 🙂
I’m okay, been a bit moody myself today. Just feeling sort of… unworthy. I am hoping after tomorrow I will feel better. I really hope I get my license reinstated so I can get myself a cheap car. I miss the freedom of being able to just get in my car and drive somewhere.
I’m sorry you’re feeling sad, I think sadness is One of the hardest things to allow yourself to feel. Anger is so much easier, as is avoiding it and disconnecting. Allowing yourself to fully feel it out is a beneficial thing I think. I hope you can treat yourself with some kindness while feeling so blue
“fulfilling desires..” so true.
but at least travel isn’t something that you’ll run out of time for. I know what you mean with not seeing everything you want, ive only visited places with friends/relatives here.
I guess I see the point.. there’s been times I’ve put things off because “what’s the point, I’ll be gone soon.” I know I’ve managed stuff anyways and technically made progress but.. mostly I feel like there’s no forward.
yeah, but usually if you do it enough to hurt you’re still going to be sore for a few days after from pushing it.. although I guess with a lot of harm the same could be said, it’s usually just a small area that’s affected vs major body parts. I know, ive had that thought too. it’s weird though, like tattoos/piercings hurt at the time and they’re perfectly acceptable, sometimes celebrated scars.. society is strange.
I saw a far away friend for the first half, and I did want to see my close friend when I got back, but.. I don’t know. I got upset with her over something and she doesn’t want to talk with me right now, so that was part of it.
I did go out to a far store that afternoon, though. the river would’ve been a good idea.
aw, that sucks. it happens sometimes, though. I know I wouldn’t be able to really talk to some of my old friends beyond basic stuff.
I’ve had an idea for a type of music box for ages, except I don’t really have skills for a big project yet.. but I’ve learned it’s better to get tools for myself than just hope someone else will have what I need. eventually I’ll need to get a tool box.
sure, I’ll post a picture once it’s done 🙂
I hope you keep in mind it’s just a feeling, and as big an impact it can have it’s not true. I hope today went well for you. I know how nice it is to have that sense of personal freedom to get around.
mostly I’m just trying to stay busy.. anger at least takes energy, seems to be something you can redirect to other things. sadness just saps you.
and happy birthday. I rather hope you don’t see this today, but still.
Thank yew <3