Courage

I wish I could have enough courage to die. I already wrote my suicide note and I look at it everyday asking myself when I can finally publish it and just rest to never wake up on this body again. I’m so tired that sometimes is really hard to think about anything clearly. I can’t read a book anymore because I always forget what I read. When I play games I get angry so easily because I can’t be concentrated enough on what is happening and I say the game is trash even if it’s not.

I’m unemployed for the last three years and I depend on others to live and I can’t but anything I want because I never have money. Getting a job wouldn’t be so difficult if I wasn’t transgender, if I wasn’t born with this curse. Worst than being transgender is being trans in the most transphobic country in the world, Brazil, where people think that I can only be a fucking prostitute. I could save some money to go to a civilized country where trans people are treated as human being, but I can’t even get a job to be able to do it. I hate being transgender. I hate this body.

I look at other people’s life, normal people, and I’m jealous. They always get what they want with minimum effort while no matter how hard I try I rarely get what I want.

Every night I wish to never wake up the next day. I have no reason to be alive. I have no friends, no job, my father humiliated me two years ago because of what I am, my mother disrespects me ask the time and she doesn’t accept I’m a woman. I see no future. Two years ago I had the chance to kill myself. I had courage that day, but I didn’t go on. I regret about it.