I wasted so much time. Fuck, I wasted so much time in my life. Investing time, my good years; my normal years before this false sense of real. Before this isolated subjective fuckshow of a life. Invested time, trust, and so much energy into a giant vortex of waste. All this shit stolen and I’m sitting here thinking: fuck man, what the fuck. I’ve been working like a madman, but this crew I was working with are taking ages to pay up and I need the goddamn money. So I got a new job but I have collections calling me and I’m doling out 500$ payments every which way in an effort to fucking pay all this shit off all the while on my old bosses ass to compensate me for almost 800$ he owes me. I just want to get out of the fuckin red, pay for my motorcycle course and license; then ship off out East for the summer. Be near the ocean, that calms me. See an old friend, she puts me at ease–brings me back to my old self somewhat. Grounds me back into my roots. I’m planning a bungee jump with some people in the coming month just to wake me the fuck up–adrenaline seems to help shake me out of the haze.
I have all these things I want to do but like I was telling someone last night; it comes down to survival in the interim until I can actualize those ideas. Drive the motorcycle across the country next summer, and head out to Asia, or Egypt for the winter. But it all costs money man. Lots of green even if the currency exchange rate is favourable to North Americans it still requires capital to sustain. And sustainability is the name of the game. Is it sustainable? Mentally? Physically? Fiscally? I have to weight this against the reality of the state of my head and circumstance; juxtapose that against where I want to be in a couple years. Coming back to life, I won’t let myself die without getting a college diploma at the very least. Even that isn’t satisfactory seeing that I wanted a bachelors degree when I was younger. I have two pending cases and charges against me now; which is something to consider seeing as I am now being dragged through bureaucracy and due process yet again. It’s a firestorm albeit perhaps a necessary one.
1 comment
@mordred It wont let me post on your post. I guess new account conditions? I will try it under mine.
Hey man. I do agree the world can be a malevolent place. Sometimes desolate in the desert of the mind. That monstrous part of ourselves — human part of us, demons aside is enough to create that disgust and disdain for the species.
What helped me reconcile this is learning we are selfish machines wired this way through natural selection and our drives to survive and replicate. Our instincts. When i began to see us as animals it has helped take away some of the hatred. Animals with elevated or expanded consciousness that is.
As for the dreams. The invisible world that you own; those never die. They are inside waiting to rise. When you say shut up to that other part of yourself — also say “soul rise up”. Trust me you will feel your soul stand up strong. Those dreams have been growing Mordred, incubation in the darkness. You are never alone.
I see our experience, including spiritual, as that emerging from consciousness. My past understanding of god was definitely an all too common narrative thats been pushed on humanity. I see it as a good thing that you question those narratives and stories because now new ones can be written — some based on actual experience. Where true strength is formed. Endurance is the key — you seem to have it.