I don’t want to change. I don’t want to get better. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life desperately clinging on to my self-control. I want to be free to be my same old self-indulgent shitty self.
But I’m terrified of letting go of the possibility of change. Because old me wasn’t happy. It desperately wanted things beyond it’s grasp. And I know it’s not going to end well. I’m going to end up homeless, and alone, or in jail, or worse.
But it feels like I’m always going to be alone either way. I’m always going to struggle to get by socially. I’m always going to feel like shit about myself, no matter what I do. The idea of going through all that without the freedom to escape into compulsive behavior…well, I just don’t have it in me. All that effort, just so I can appear semi-respectable…it’s not worth it.
I don’t know. I feel like I’ll be making a huge mistake if I stop. I know I’ll regret it. I always do. I’ll wonder what if. But the thought of carrying on like this just seems so utterly pointless. The will just isn’t in me to maintain that level of control.
I know what I should do. But I just don’t have it in me to see it through. I need to be the shitty fuckup that I am deep down.
5 comments
Iam in exact same boat, I’m desperate to end my life or just give up and be a homeless person. Like I want to completely give up on life. No hope left.
Look, it seems like you know what to do, you just don’t have the trust in yourself to do it. Well guess what, this is life. Your going to make good and bad choices both and this is what it is after you make a really bad choice. But you need to stand up again. When there is no one to get you back up after you fall down, you need to pull yourself up. If your not sure, trust your heart. When your in a mental struggle always trust your heart and when your in a physical struggle always trust your mind.
Research stoic philosophy if you need to want less and not give a shit about people’s opinions.
okay, relax I didn’t mean any harm
Are things as dichotomous as you think? There might be more options than reverting to a past self with past behaviours and where you are now.
Either way, you’ve always been wanting. Was there ever a time you didn’t want something else? That may be the real change you need. To no longer yearn for something. Is it possible for this?