I don’t want to change. I don’t want to get better. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life desperately clinging on to my self-control. I want to be free to be my same old self-indulgent shitty self.
But I’m terrified of letting go of the possibility of change. Because old me wasn’t happy. It desperately wanted things beyond it’s grasp. And I know it’s not going to end well. I’m going to end up homeless, and alone, or in jail, or worse.
But it feels like I’m always going to be alone either way. I’m always going to struggle to get by socially. I’m always going to feel like shit about myself, no matter what I do. The idea of going through all that without the freedom to escape into compulsive behavior…well, I just don’t have it in me. All that effort, just so I can appear semi-respectable…it’s not worth it.
I don’t know. I feel like I’ll be making a huge mistake if I stop. I know I’ll regret it. I always do. I’ll wonder what if. But the thought of carrying on like this just seems so utterly pointless. The will just isn’t in me to maintain that level of control.
I know what I should do. But I just don’t have it in me to see it through. I need to be the shitty fuckup that I am deep down.