Hope unfound

Realizing what a piece of trash human being I am and have been for the past two years. I don’t know how I became this way even though that’s kind of a lie and I sort of do. I lost everything and everyone I love. Took five muscle relaxers to sleep for as long as I could. Wishing I could die wishing for suicide but sadly that isn’t an option for me because of my beliefs. Wishing I could turn back time. Wishing I could just escape this unbearable pain. I have no inch of strength left to fight. I did everything I could to keep him from leaving but he hates me now. I don’t blame him but the anguishing pain of the reality I face is still inside my chest. I wish I could drink myself to sleep but I have no strength to move off this bed. To see the pictures of my family on the wall. To face reality.. that I lost everything. And I’m the only one to blame.