On the one hand, I don’t think I want to change enough. Or at least not consistently enough to ever make progress. I feel like I’m pretending, going through the motions. Trying to convince my therapist (and myself) that I’m really trying. And at times I really do think that I’m trying. But it just feels so utterly hopeless, and pointless. And it’s such a relief to give up, every time.
I don’t know how to cope with the stuff in my head. So much fear and regret, shame and guilt, longing and desire, frustration and anger. The reality I perceive utterly terrifies me. And I don’t know how to live with it. There is no peace anymore. I’m just utterly alone with the darkness inside.
Maybe I’m an addict. I’d certainly say I’m dependent on certain things to temporarily block out the stuff that goes through my mind. But do I want to be an addict? Is that the only way that I can want to keep living? A part of me wants more than that. But it doesn’t feel realistic. When I try to face the world without that filter…it all just overwhelms me. I can’t function at all. I don’t enjoy anything. I just sleepwalk through the day. I just want to stop.
So maybe I am an addict. But maybe that’s the only way I can live with my reality without wanting to throw myself in front of passing traffic.
On the other hand…I’m terrified that quitting will be yet another in a long line of mistakes, that I’ll regret in the end. This is probably my last chance. I’ve poured so much money and thought into this. I’ve told her things about myself that I’ve never told anyone. Terrible, awful, shameful things. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. To just walk away now, after all that – it feels so stupid.
The part of me that wants to believe in change is there some of the time. It’s just not something I can maintain or hold on to. I want to believe, but I don’t. But what if this is somehow my way of bringing all the shame and fear to an end? What if this is the only way to move toward a life truly worth living? What if 5 years down the road I find myself regretting not sticking with it, and wondering how different my life might be if I had? Like when I’ve quit therapy previously.
How do you make decisions when the you that’s making them is utterly inconsistent?
I don’t want to change. I enjoy my addictions. But I’m miserable. But when I try to abstain, I’m even more miserable. But if I could just keep it up for long enough then maybe something would change. Except I don’t have enough hope in that to stick through it. But I can’t go on like I have been. Something has to change. But nothing can change when this is what’s going through my head.
I don’t know how to do this. I’m so scared of making things worse. But I’m so tired of trying to face all of the truths I don’t know how to live with, with no confidence that it will ever help anything.
4 comments
If you are paying for it quit. Don’t waste your money on something that is not helping you. Alot of the times the shrink does not care about you. They are just trying to line their pockets. You can get better on your own
I keep thinking though that if only I could get my motivation straight, then maybe it could help me. I think she’s an ethical practitioner. I do think she genuinely wants to help me live a better life. It’s just that the things she’s asking of me to do so involve cutting out most of the things I use to shield me from reality. And that just leaves me miserable.
Maybe I could get better on my own. But it seems unlikely. I mean it hasn’t happened so far. I’m afraid of just sinking back into my old cycle. But maybe that’s better than being on edge all the time.
Just based on what you said above it seems you have a good therapist, so why not do what she suggested? You have nothing to lose-just try it out and if it doesn’t work you can thank her and end your therapy if you feel it’s not working for you.
Sometimes we get stuck in our own patterns and ways of doing things that are self-defeating. If you know you are doing something wrong which is stopping you from changing/bettering your life than this is what you need to work on. I had a plan to improve my life but I’ve been stuck in a bad sleep cycle and dwelling on issues in my past for a long time, which have prevented me from moving forward.
It’s been nearly impossible for me to break out of it but I know what I’m doing wrong and like an oil tanker, it takes time to steer it in a new direction. Sometimes you need to work on it a little bit at a time.
Maybe you secretly know your therapist’s ideas will work and you’re afraid to deal with the new improved reality you’ll create for yourself. We are creatures of habit and prefer familiarity even if it makes us unhappy.
After high school I was extremely depressed, the realities of life hit me hard and I couldn’t deal with it. I eventually saw a therapist and while she didn’t tell me what I didn’t already know (I used to read a lot of psychology back then), it still helped to have an impartial person just hear about your problems and let it out.
I did feel slightly better but I realized only I could fix my life and do things that will lead me to happiness, no one else will hand it to me on a silver platter. I’m glad I kept on going and didn’t find a way to end my life because later on in life my family members needed my help to avoid ending up in terrible situations.
As for all the negative feelings of guilt, regret, shame, etc…pull up a chair brother I have oodles of the same kinds of emotions. I’ve simply decided to put it behind me because I accept the fact that I’m not perfect, I’ve done many stupid things when I was younger and there’s nothing I could do to change it but to learn from the experience and to try not to repeat those errors.
Plus I have way more serious issues to deal with today. Of course, bad memories do bubble up but you just have to be disciplined in controlling them rather than letting them control you. I know easy to say-I’ve been struggling with similar issues over the past year. However, my focus now is to put my life back on track, fix my income situation which will radically improve my life overall. Best of luck.
I have fired my therapist over and over in my head. One time I went to her office to put a termination letter under her door but little did I know I would run into her in the building. Puzzled as to why in the hell I was building two days before our next scheduled time she flat out asked why. I told her. She made me an appointment on the spot, we hashed stuff out as never before and I have not “fired” her even once since then. Change is hard hard and hate it.