On the one hand, I don’t think I want to change enough. Or at least not consistently enough to ever make progress. I feel like I’m pretending, going through the motions. Trying to convince my therapist (and myself) that I’m really trying. And at times I really do think that I’m trying. But it just feels so utterly hopeless, and pointless. And it’s such a relief to give up, every time.
I don’t know how to cope with the stuff in my head. So much fear and regret, shame and guilt, longing and desire, frustration and anger. The reality I perceive utterly terrifies me. And I don’t know how to live with it. There is no peace anymore. I’m just utterly alone with the darkness inside.
Maybe I’m an addict. I’d certainly say I’m dependent on certain things to temporarily block out the stuff that goes through my mind. But do I want to be an addict? Is that the only way that I can want to keep living? A part of me wants more than that. But it doesn’t feel realistic. When I try to face the world without that filter…it all just overwhelms me. I can’t function at all. I don’t enjoy anything. I just sleepwalk through the day. I just want to stop.
So maybe I am an addict. But maybe that’s the only way I can live with my reality without wanting to throw myself in front of passing traffic.
On the other hand…I’m terrified that quitting will be yet another in a long line of mistakes, that I’ll regret in the end. This is probably my last chance. I’ve poured so much money and thought into this. I’ve told her things about myself that I’ve never told anyone. Terrible, awful, shameful things. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. To just walk away now, after all that – it feels so stupid.
The part of me that wants to believe in change is there some of the time. It’s just not something I can maintain or hold on to. I want to believe, but I don’t. But what if this is somehow my way of bringing all the shame and fear to an end? What if this is the only way to move toward a life truly worth living? What if 5 years down the road I find myself regretting not sticking with it, and wondering how different my life might be if I had? Like when I’ve quit therapy previously.
How do you make decisions when the you that’s making them is utterly inconsistent?
I don’t want to change. I enjoy my addictions. But I’m miserable. But when I try to abstain, I’m even more miserable. But if I could just keep it up for long enough then maybe something would change. Except I don’t have enough hope in that to stick through it. But I can’t go on like I have been. Something has to change. But nothing can change when this is what’s going through my head.
I don’t know how to do this. I’m so scared of making things worse. But I’m so tired of trying to face all of the truths I don’t know how to live with, with no confidence that it will ever help anything.