For the record, i am enjoying this safe place. i like dumping my feelings here, and feeling heard. it makes me feel happier.
I was raised by the internet, i am 17. from when i was 4 and living in a rural area, to now when i am living in a tightly nit township ( from wich i am quite excluded )
i have been using the internet. which i feel has changed me massively as a person. i am cynical, i am hatefull, i am critical and mistrusting. it started on newgrounds, then i moved to early 9gag. when i decided to bail on that when i was 13. i found 4chan. more specifically i found /k/ and /b/. the weapons and random forums. The internet has turned me degenerate. i have an incest fetish now, though that might be a result of my molestation by my sister at a young age. i lust after my own family members and i hate myself for it. i have been bombarded by hateful statements, violence and porn everyday for the past 4 years. i am completely desensitized to violence. my friends will send me videos of beheadings and torture in an effort to shock me. i laugh at them and at the videos. they are funny to me. i have a girlfriend that i cannot get off to, because she is not a fucking 2d charactature of my `’loli dog-sister’. what the fuck is wrong with me. everytime i see something wholesome and cute or nice, a voice in my head says “its fake, its not real. the world is a hatefull place.” i have looked at puppys and my brain has decided that its funny to think about beating them to death. its not funny, and i dont think it is. but the internet has raised me, to think that it is. yet.. i visit 4chan for hours everyday, i masturbate to degenerate porn up to 5 times everyday. i regularly make disgusting jokes about murder, rape and torture. i was raised by the internet to be what i am today, and i hate myself. but i cant stop. so i guess i might as well fucking just do it.
this is my second post and reading these posts by others, i feel less alone in my pain. whoever made this site. thank you.
5 comments
it’s not the fault of the internet you keep seeking out violence, not every site is devoted to those things. it didn’t make you go back to the same sites, you chose that and of course over exposing yourself will cause desensitization. stop going on 4chan, stop looking at that type of porn. its bad habit that you keep feeding.
if you feel you can’t stop, then cut your access. remove your access to devices, put up a site blocker whatever.
Sorta echoing what freeroma said, we’re all plugged into the same internet and have access to those sites, but not all of us have become like you. I’m not judging, I’m just saying there’s something about your core personality that seeks out these disturbing things. The internet may encourage you, but I don’t think it made you that way.
Sometimes I watch fetish porn, but I have a firm grasp of reality vs fantasy so it doesn’t affect my normal sex life. If you’ve lost interest in your gf over this, that’s a whole new ballpark.
IF you want to change this (entirely up to you), you can force yourself to associate with wholesome websites, sorta like what you’re already doing here although the wholesomeness of suicidal people can be debated. Over time it will rewrite your brain which currently thinks extreme violence is a normal thing.
Think of it this way, suppose there’s a kid growing up in an ultra violent filthy ghetto where everyone does drugs and commits drive-bys. No amount of therapy will help that kid unless he gets out of that toxic environment. Once he’s out of there, he can choose to live the way he wants to.
You’re way ahead of that ghetto kid because your ghetto is a virtual one. Moving out is as easy as a mouse click. Nobody and nothing is forcing you to think a certain way, it’s what you choose to feed yourself.
One more tip about breaking your addiction to those sick sites. I used to go to liveleak all the time, originally to research ways to kill myself but it soon became a mild violence addiction. Within a few weeks I knew it was messing up my head. How did I break the habit cold turkey? Easy. Take a good look at the other users posting on there. Take a good hard look at their hate, apathy and lack of intelligence, then ask yourself are these the kinds of people you choose to socialize with? Not me. The idea of being associated with such losers who can’t make friends so they have to project hate, that made me wake up as fast as if I woke up in a room full of crying babies. Associate with people of a higher caliber and you yourself will become a better person. I haven’t been back to liveleak in over a year and don’t miss it.
^^^ Except that’s not really true. For instance just today i was on liveleak watching a video where several of the commenters were chatting about the installation and maintenance of power lines. 90k a year job type of stuff.
Many are idiots. Plenty aren’t. The people on the internet are the same people in real life. The problem with the internet (there are two) is the anonymity changes what people say and do and secondly the unlimited and instantaneous availability of information.
The above two comments are not much different from “well i had such and such happen during my childhood and I! didn’t end up depressed/ suicidal like you, therefore i disbelieve there’s any correlation in your story.”
For certain people the internet is an absolute catalyst for depravity and mental illness. It can quickly become an addiction and rot your brain and it is not in any way as simple as “well turn in off.”
Actually, more than a few liveleakers and folks on bestgore are pretty worldy, traveled people with good careers. A number of them are also weird angry young men who vent their sexual/racial aggression online.
Just nitpicking that particular point.