I’ve got nothing to lose (20years down the drain)

For all my life, 20 years, I had dreams.

Those were 20 years of hopes, of good will, of hard work, of wanting something.

I had a reason for everything I did, I had something to go toward to.

Today at around 12:00, I just crashed. God if you are there, please beware – I’m broken God.

I’m completely shit-broken, I have such an abdominal pains that I can’t run anywhere, and my mom is dealing with her horrible cancer alone. I’m in the university and I lost control. I can’t help her beside talk or try to convince her to move on. I can’t help financially cause I don’t work. I can’t help my own pain because there is no cure.  I’m doing my best but I can’t… I just can’t keep on alone. I need something to motivate me.

That’s what you get when you are a child of a single mother. You try your best to build a life, to build something out of you. You workout in the streets to save money from gym. You eat kettles cause ain’t got money for meat. You study your best, and try to keep on, to get into university. You go to work at any kind of minimum wage job just to earn something. You come back home at 1:00 am with all your demons awaiting in the living room.

You fight for justice but none fights for you.

You fight to live, but none seems to support it.

You want to lay down and take a second by yourself, but each time you let loose, you are falling deeper into the hole.

You don’t talk to your father since he ain’t a father. You stay away from people who hurt or hit or tryin’ to , you. You keep low profile, don’t show how strong you are, you keep your shit to yourself. You let people walk away.

And eventually you are all alone.

-> I had this moment of seldom – I had all the stress upon my shoulders, I felt it slowly crashing me. The cancer, my own abdominal pains, the fucked up financial state, the uni’s finals, the homework.  I felt I have nowhere to run to.

I felt suicidal.