At first: Im german, so please sorry my bad english. In part i will use deepl.com to translate, i hope it will not peeve you.
Yesterday, not the first time, i went out to kill me. In the backpack my rope, in mind pure pain, i tried to reach Grünwald (which is ja very nice and natural place here, with much trees. The most citizens here are very rich). I made some wrong decisions in my life, like them opening my own business. Unfortunately, I’m technically gifted, but I can’t handle money. As a result, I still have obligations that I cannot pay even though I work full-time.
My last wrong decision was to take in a lodger, a friend from old times, with his underage son, in order to reduce my rental costs. This guy, a convicted rapist and drug dealer, makes my life hell. He hits me, spits at me and insults me. But he’s not the reason I’m thinking of suicide.
Truth is, I can’t get my life together. You can’t be 50 years old and still not be able to pay your bills! Again I am threatened with shutting down my energy supply and seizing my account. And it’s not the first time.
Meanwhile, I’m already developing psychological anomalies. If there’s a bad letter in the mailbox, I can’t open it for days. It starts to rustle loudly in my head and I am no longer able to think rationally. This worsens my situation, because bad letters must be answered quickly.
Meanwhile, I was so lucky last year. I started an apprenticeship as a computer scientist with an excellent company. I was really happy for a moment, because that’s what I can do! This company has recognized my potential and promotes me. So I would only need 12 months until the end of my training and would then earn really well. But the debt collectors and the power company won’t give me that time. Somehow it seems more profitable for them to destroy someone than to give them the chance to become again an important member of society that can pay their bills.
I’ve just run out of strength after so many years. More and more often the few minutes until the brain switches off appear to me as salvation. Finally to be able to slide down into the endless black darkness, where there is no pain and no money. That’s what I want.
I don’t understand all this. We humans live in paradise and do everything we can to make each other hell. And so I sit here with my backpack packed and mourn. I know every bridge in the area and there are some very practical ones. But something inside me is still fighting.
That’s good. Don’t ignore that fight. It means that even if your mind wants to be dead but your heart doesn’t. There are times when humans cannot chose which one to follow, but you need to listen to your heart. It wants to live, which means release your mind and listen to the other options!