Dysthymia

I am useless. I dont think my story is special, crap childhood, verbal and emotional abuse with some physical and later sexual thrown in. A nasty divorce bouncing me between alcoholics for years before I ran away at fifteen. Did and sold drugs for a while, got ‘clean’ but was still doing legal natural like beer and weed. Ruined my serotonin for life maybe.

Havent spoken to my parents in years and I thought it would feel good but they werent pure evil and the thought of them dying and not knowing where I am bothers me a bit. Really do not want their anger and shit in my life again though.

Now Im 27, no job, no life, no hobbies, no friends. Have two cats and a dog to care for and I feel so bad with all my Suicidal thoughts what would happen to them.

I have a fiance but even that I regret, we fight so much and I feel stuck like I dont love him much anymore but Im on welfare and couldnt hack it in this expensive ass city without him. I know he has no respect for my taking aid but my therapist wanted me to not work until Im better.

Tried to kill myself twice last year. I went to bridges late night and looked down. My city thought of everything, the rails are even huge wide so to climb over would be near impossible. I remember reading that seven stories is ideal to kill and I didnt think these passenger bridges were high enough, all I could imagine was if this disabled me for life I would be given to my mother and the thought of being bed bound in her house until she died kept me from jumping. I ended up in the hospital where I ate my earrings so they would keep me in a longer ward. Didnt work.

Got diagnosed with BPD again, the three letters that make me the most suicidal. I promised myself if it is true Ill kill myself since I read what hell it is for others around me.

Fuck I dont care that therapists say I just have bpd defense mechanisms if I can make other professionals think i have it then I must have enough of it.

Im awaiting testing for either cognitive issues or fetal alcohol amazing I cant wait to find out whether Im stupid or lazy since I have a grade nine education. Fucking grade nine! Ill never have a decent job ever and I have 15 grand to pay down in student loans because my dumb ass thought I could go to university and upgrade until I got into a program. So fucking stupid since I cant pay and now the interest is more a month than any payment I could do.

Ive reserched methods endlessly and very few are available to me, never mind that they are low lethality.

Now my plan is to walk into the woods. It is a twelve hour trek as I cant drive laughable at my nearly 28 age. I am not a survival expert so I will either die, get found, or go insane. All are ok except get found. Even though it is sparsely populated where I plan to go there are still people.

Just walk away into the woods to die of starvation or an infection I cant treat sounds just fine. The only place of peace and beauty when Im trapped in a city in the worst neighborhood fucking gun shots and drunks everywhere.

I want that tiny bit of peace and quiet before I go. Nice and simple. I can even bring something to OD on and it will be very unlikely I would be found and treated like others who survive their attempts.

Just beauty and quiet so lovely finally.

I dont have anything to leave anyone and as long as I dont kill myself at home I doubt police will bother my fiance much.

He deserves a nice life without some simpering miserable ***** around, someone who could actually raise kids with him instead of just someone who cant work and can barely tolerate his dog.

I wont be a burden anymore it will be great for him.

Dysthymia seems to be permanent anyways. Ive been such a negative horrible person with awful thoughts since about age 11 I am really done. Ive acheived nothing.

I look forward to seeing my daughter and my grandma in the next. Im so starved being away from them I will be so happy and peaceful with them instead of stuck here on earth.