Incel Hell

I can’t call myself an incel but I can call myself a virgin to throw fedora into the ring too

I don’t really have a romantic life at all either. Different circumstances I assume, though. I don’t want to sound like a dick talking about well meaning people, because everyone I’m about to talk about are great people. but ever since middle school the only romantic attention I’ve received was from mentally unsound people. The first one I can remember was a girl I wheeled to and from physical therapy in a special needs middle school, who refused to let anyone else take my attention from her. Another was a girl two years younger than me (just as I was leaving middle school, back when that kind of thing actually mattered) who honestly wouldn’t surprise me if I found her on this website. In any event she obsesses over me at the time, although I actually think she’s doing quite a bit better now. The latest one was a girl in one of my classes who was a bit slow. She seemed to think I was some kind of genius (she wasn’t alone either; idk I guess private schooling goes a long way where I’m from) and wanted desperately to depend on me. I mean I guess it’s true that I d had a few opportunities to lose my virginity, but I couldn’t possibly rationalize the situation without seeing myself using or taking advantage of someone for the sole purpose of satisfying a meaningless, fleeting, carnal urge. I can’t bring myself to do that. If I’m getting laid it has to be with someone I can respect mutually. But there must be something seriously wrong with me for me to consistently find myself in these situations without even trying. For me I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I’ve lived for 21 years, watched literally everyone around me get in and out of relationships and back in new ones, and don’t even remotely understand what love is like when it’s not platonic, or the fact that every chance I’ve had has been with girls with blatantly obvious or debilitating mental handicaps. Either way both roads lead me to the same place; alone in my bed with my record player on, trying not to do or think anything to drastic until I fall asleep.