My Heart Feels Heavy

There’s this emptiness inside of me that I can’t shake, I’ve been suicidal since I was 17. People kept telling me that it would get better, but things got progressively worse as I aged. I’m going to be 21 soon and I have no job, enough money to buy a gun and a family that will be heartbroken if I die. I’ve wanted to die for so long now, but the sadness my family would feel makes my heart weigh heavily.

I feel a constant stream of hate, shame and dispair whenever I remember my past. I’ve lived a long life of awkward situations and disappointment. I feel like an enormous burden to my family at times, I know they mean well, but it’s disgusting how much help I need. I’m an anxious mess, I shake out of fear half the time and feel emotionless the other half. Even I’m able to recognize what a complicated mess my head is. There’s something wrong in my head and I can’t fucking fix it. I don’t know how to help myself, I don’t even know how to drive a God damn car. My family is here, but I still feel so incredibly alone.

I always daydream about some girl coming into my life and helping me through all of this, someone that genuinely likes me for me. Even as I type these words I am filled with a small shred of hope that I’ll find my magical unicorn in this place somewhere, filled with as much dispair as me. I know it’s false hope, but that’s all I have anymore.

I can feel my time ending. I can feel myself fading. Soon I will have a gun pointed towards my head and all that keeps racing through my mind is if I will have the courage to pull the trigger. I want the courage to pull that trigger. I know it won’t hurt, but the fear I feel is something I cannot help. Dying is terrifying, yet liberating. It’s as if human beings have to die in order to earn their freedom from all the pain and torment this world offers.