Not sure what led me here.

Don’t even know where to begin. Im not here looking for words of encouragement or why life is so precious. Im extremely depressed. I haven’t said it outloud yet. I have been for years. First thought of wanting my life to end was when I was only 11 or 12. And have had many since. I don’t want to live anymore. But I’m not suicidal. I just don’t want to wake up, I can’t handle my life anymore. I know others have it worse but my life probably would have ended by now if I was in their shoes. Each day is getting harder and harder. Im trying to turn to God, to give my life to him and trust he is taking on my burdens but that isn’t making like easier. I pray everyday for him to end it for me and take me from this world. But nothing is changing. Nothing is getting better. I just try to get through each day. Im not suicidal, but I have looked at different ways and have even mentally wrote a note. I just can’t do it anymore. I dream about it, you know, what life around me would be like if I was gone. How it would affect my family, people at work. I don’t think my employer would care or coworkers, but my family would be devastated, no probably just my mother. And I don’t really have any friends just associates, people I know or worked with. I try to do good, I try to help others. But, I just don’t think that will outweigh the bad. So if God is real, I’ll suffer in the after life just as much as I am now.