I want not to feel this anymore. To not be this anymore. I want a new body, a new mind, a new past. Erase it all and replace it all with something semi-functional. Of course then it wouldn’t be ‘me’ in any real sense. The way that I experience the world, perceive things & react to them would have to be removed entirely. The genetic and social predispositions to anxiety would have to go. It would essentially be a completely different person. But despite recognizing that, the irrational longing to be free of myself persists.
God, to be someone else, somewhere else. Perhaps one of the few people who actually seem to be on top, however briefly. One of the ‘winners’. You know the kind, those who you can tell will do ok just by looking at the way they carry themselves. To not have to deal with the self-hatred, regret, or despair anymore. To be even the tiniest bit carefree, even for a minute. To be capable of enjoying an experience, to enjoy being with people, without it being tainted by all the shit in my head. To have some degree of self-esteem. To not feel like such a completely worthless piece of shit.
The grass is always greener, of course. Everyone has their issues, most of which you don’t see from the outside. But fuck it – I’d jump at the chance to be in the position of one of those socially high status people, no matter their private problems. Anything not to be this anymore – to not have to feel this for even a while. Imagine having some confidence that you were worthwhile, attractive, popular and capable. What the fuck would that be like?
To not feel this anymore. To not be this anymore. But I am this. I am attached to all this bullshit. This is the product of my mind. I want to stop. But I guess I don’t want it enough, otherwise I’d end it. I’d end me. So I suppose I’ll just go and try and find some way to distract myself from it all. To numb myself until the thoughts subside for a while, like I always do. My mind is garbage. Life blows. ‘I’ am a waste of oxygen, space, and conscious experience, generating pointless suffering for myself. That is all.
8 comments
You’re not worthless, the things that make ypy feel this way are worthless.
That is… they are external factors, right?
It’s a mixture of internal and external. Someone without my mind and my past could probably make some kind of decent life out of my external circumstances though, so the main problem really is ‘me’. It’s not that I’m without any positive features – it’s that they’re all fundamentally undermined by the things my mind gets caught on.
I think what you need is fresh new experiences in your life. I know for myself if not much is going on for me, I tend to rehash over and over the stupid mistakes I’ve made or the golden opportunities that I missed and will never get again.
You need to accept yourself as you are and know that you could never trade places or ever be anyone else. I guess this was something I went through as well. However I feel I’ve gained a wealth of valuable knowledge and insights which have allowed me to make better decisions today.
No one is holding you hostage or making you suffer, only you are doing that to yourself. At some point, you need to accept your mistakes and forgive yourself for whatever you’ve done and just move on, no matter how bad it was. Not to mention just turn on the TV and I’m sure you’ll find 10 people doing things that are much worse every day.
Focus on the positives in your life, like friends/family that you can count on for example. Then work towards creating new goals and great experiences, even if it’s something as simple as taking a walk in a forest, you’ll find it’s very fulfilling. Perhaps you could save up and take a vacation, find a special girl. All these things should help you get out of your present funk.
If I recall you once mentioned that you regretted the past 10 years and wish you did things differently. So I’d ask what will you say 10 years from now? I hope you can look back and say I didn’t waste another 10 yrs on things I couldn’t change and instead were glad that you took a new direction in your life. Just a suggestion, good luck.
Thing is though, I think any fresh new experiences will still get perceived in the same old way by my mind. That’s how it seems to go. Everything becomes a new way to see the effects of the mistakes I’ve made. A new way to make myself suffer.
I don’t think I can accept myself as I am. I probably shouldn’t either. I’m shit. The problem is that the changes necessary to make me acceptable are impossible. I know I can’t trade places with anyone, but the emotional desperation to do so is still there.
I know that I am the one causing my suffering. I just don’t know how to stop. It’s built into my disposition at this point. I think my perception of self is inextricably linked to knowing what others would think of what I’ve done. I can forgive myself in theory, but no man is an island, and the wider perception inevitably frames how I view myself. It also cuts me off from others, knowing that they’d reject me if they knew the truth about me. No one can really know me or accept me. So I’m unable to accept myself.
I do try and focus on the positives, but nothing is that reliable. I take plenty of walks in woodland areas, and its pleasant, but never that fulfilling. Nothing is really fulfilling for me anymore, because what’s going through my mind colours all of it. Even finding a ‘special girl’ would require pretending to be someone I’m not, which would feel deceptive, taking me out of the experience.
I’d imagine if I’m still alive 10 years from now I’ll be even more full of regret. And recognizing that should be enough to force me to change something, seeing that coming. But I just don’t think I have it in me. I make plans for how things will be different, but my mind seems to sabotage most things.
But thanks for your input. You’re not wrong. I just don’t know how to change my mind enough to make it happen.
My pleasure, I hear you it is very difficult to change one’s perspective given what one has experienced or done in their life. I learned to adapt and change, remake myself in high school. One I gave up religion, the illusion was gone and then I realized why I’m really here (parents) and that my life had no purpose and that we were poor.
I became really depressed and pretty fragile in high school. Long story short I realize walking around with a cloud over my head just made me repellent to most people. Thankfully my true blue friends were always there for me but as I hit 17 I started looking better and was more appealing to girls. I got in good shape but I was still dying on the inside.
Anyways I re-examined my life, I hated who my parents were but was grateful they were overall good people and not evil monsters like some parents are. I began to accept rather than hate myself and my life. I realize I wanted to keep living because there was so much to experience and enjoy in life.
Yes over time I also made mistakes, real stupid nasty ones that I’ll take to the grave with me. And that’s what you need to do, instead of saying “I’m such a loser who deserves to be hated because I did this or that,” say “thank god no one else knows and I’m keeping this quiet.”
And yes I don’t even want to know either because you’re right it will probably change how people will see you. And if I told you the dumb shit I’ve done you’d think the same. lol
It’s time that you stop being your own torturer and just move on. Whatever it was if paid the price or didn’t and got lucky, doesn’t matter. If you owe someone an apology or restitution, then do it. But if all that is done and it’s just the memory of the events then just chalk it up as a mistake and move on. Dwelling on it just makes it pathological and unhealthy.
I reinvented myself several times and became a better version of me. Also don’t forget people are not angels out there. There are others who are truly evil and seek to destroy people and they have no guilt or remorse. It’s a shitty world and we have to be on guard at all time.
You’ve turned your problem into demon-idol that you worship as if your mistake was greater than you and it defines you. No it doesn’t. I can only give you suggestions but you must think your way out of it. Clinging to your feelings of guilt, remorse, self-hate will accomplish nothing. One day 20 yrs from now you’ll look back and say what did I accomplish aside from obsessing about some mistake(s) I made when I was younger.
Life is really short. In my 20s I felt I’d live forever, in my 30s I was trying to get my life in order and only now in my 40s am I actually doing it. I wish I was still in my 20s but time moves fast so I’m just hoping once I am doing better in life, that I’ll have at least 10 good years to enjoy and do all the things I wanted to do but never could because I was too busy or poor to pull them off.
I know it might have no effect on you saying all that but I’m hoping it will lead to a re-assessment. Peace.
edit:
-Once I gave up religion…
-if you paid the price….
I should also mention, there are people you might know or work with who are psychopaths. They have no sense of guilt, shame or remorse. They manipulate and use others for their own benefit. At least you have a conscience and feel regret, that’s a very good thing.
How many people are actually able to reflect on their own bad behavior and feel regret/remorse or actually say sorry to those they hurt? Not many trust me. Just don’t let this guilt destroy your life, you deserve better. Ok I’ve said enough already and I’ll leave it here. 🙂
I feel this but it is I don’t want to be someone else… I want to be alone and know that I am alone and not feel like someone is watching me or listening at all hours whether I am awake or asleep
I understand this more than you probably think possible. I made so many bad choices the past few years that it led me to a torturous prison in my mind.