fading away

only a few days ago, my friend and i had a situation with eachother. i had talked about something where ‘i felt sometimes upset about things she says’ but usually it’s not that bad. she called me up & told me how guilty she felt and how she wanted to change. i felt incredibly upset and cried.

monday; we went back to school, and the thing is i see her almost everyday as we share 2 classes together (we sit next to eachother). we didn’t talk at all. it made me upset inside how she didn’t talk to me as particularly how she was my closest friend and i thought maybe this wasn’t such a big thing or maybe some sort of uhhh idk. me being incredibly worried, tried to start conversations but only ended up with short replies & conversations dying. bell rang, left class without her. (we usually walk together)

tuesday; i was waking to my next class and i happen to see her walk in my direction. we walked passed eachother only muttering a ‘hi’. i became stressed and i’m thinking ‘it’s gonna be like this forever, isn’t it?’ …

wednesday (today); today was the worse, but also an improvement. — during first period, she said ‘hello’ and asked to borrow my phone charger. last period, we had to draw posters. we had small conversations & she brought up her pass and about her old best friends and how they didn’t work out. she also talked about ‘right now, i can see who my true friends are.’ im confused & im assuming this has to do with me i guess. i felt upset and constantly throughout my day i just wanted to cry and breakdown. i feel so empty without her. she’s my closest friend and prefer to have a small amount of friends instead of a lot.

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when i got home, i just cried. my heart almost feels like it’s been torn out pr somethin. some how i have trouble breathing or i just seem so upset that i don’t put any emotion or tone when i talk. i started to feel suicidal for a few hours and i thought about the pass (this year earlier) and how i used to harm myself and attempted to take my own life. i’m thinking about cutting again, but the thing is i forget to return the knives i use, and my parents grow suspicious and it’s just too much etc. when i cut, i really sucked at that too. ive only done 3 before & they only bled a little. smh. i’ve tried to drown myself in my bathroom, but the thing that keeps making me stop is the thought of my parents and friends. what will they be when i’m gone? i don’t want to start grief for nothing etc. i’ve been through a lot in the past, and this situation with my friend BARELY compares to what happened before. i wish we could be back together again, i really wish. but things never go back the way they were & i hated myself for the path i’ve created to make myself stuck where i am now.

thanks for reading this lame as rant.