high school

im finally a senior in high school but ill tell you its been rough. I started hating myself in 7th grade, the way I looked, thinking I was ugly and fat, my dad telling me that it was pathetic that I had a double chin this young (later telling me that he said that he told me that to motivate me to go for a run), my mom telling me to workout everyday and watch what I eat. Hearing my little sister call me fat everyday for two years. All my friends were stick skinny so that didn’t help.

Freshman year was when I started making myself throw up every day. Told my sister because she was my best friend and she brushed it off like it was nothing. It was also the start of finding myself with a razor to my arms. once I realized it was hard to hide those cut marks, I moved to my legs until summer came around, and it was too hard to try and hide them. I would lock myself in my room all day and just watch Netflix and sleep because its mindless and easy. my mom would walk in on me lying on the ground in the dark and think nothing was wrong. I would cry myself to sleep at least 4 times a week. thought about how I would kill myself but never could go through with it. this went on for a while.

Eventually, after I found new friends in high school and they were awesome, I stopped trying to starve myself or make myself throw up, I stopped cutting and enjoyed having friends who were amazing and loved me. But still depressed, still thought about killing myself, still felt like my life meant nothing.

Then, a couple days after sophomore year ended and it was summer. my mom came into my room, told we were moving across the country and left. went into junior knowing absolutely no one, went from public school my whole life to a private, all girls school. Anyways, the depression came right back and I turned to drugs and then started cutting again and my mom walked in on me attempting to really hurt myself. (I never told anyone about this, always kept to myself). she cleaned the blood off me and then I finally opened up to her and she got me a therapy appointment. I told my sister what happened when I saw her and she said that I probably did it to get attention. Ill tell you, it hurts that most when the person you thought you were the closest with doesn’t give a shit about you. then summer happened and I was temporarily happy to be back with my old friends and enjoying the time I had with them before going back to my new life.

now im a senior and I’ve been crying and crying and thinking suicidal thoughts. Im scared, sad, angry, and my family is the only thing that keeps me motivated to live. my mom is trying to help me get better and I want to get better, but its going to be hard.