Every damn night now I have this extreme anxiety and my thoughts just keep racing and racing. And I know tomorrow night is going to be the very same way, and the night after that, and after that, and there’s no reason to think that anything would change anytime soon. How am I even supposed to cope with this? It’s starting to ruin my days too, because all I can think about when the sun is up is how it’s going to be when it isn’t.
I just lay there in bed, or pace around the apartment, and all that’s keeping me from losing my mind is the music that I am listening to. I just can’t stand the silence, it is scary being left alone with my thoughts. Even when it’s on it is a struggle not to think about the things that are like fuel to the fire of panic that is trying to break out in my mind. I am so freaking glad I have this music, the bluetooth headphones I bought a while ago were the best investment I have made for a long while, even though they were totally overpriced.
I can’t sleep with them on, so I lie in bed listening to music until I feel so tired that I know I will fall asleep the second I take them off. Trying to fall asleep any other way is just pointless effort. It’s kind of messing up my sleeping schedule as well, even though ironically this damn heatwave and the neighbor’s kids are helping with that by not letting me sleep in for long. I feel tired and worn out all day long, but at least I get up before noon.
Damn it, I just don’t know what to do about this. I have nothing in my life right now, since it’s semester break and next exams are in September. Nothing to look forward too, nothing that would ease the storm that goes on in my mind during moments like this, nothing that would force me to be active somehow. Well, there’s one thing, a meeting with my therapist in 2 weeks, but it’s not really going to change anything. Just more work, more nights like this, more freaking heat, more anxiety, more crushing loneliness.
I used to be able to go on night walks with a friend when I was feeling like this. I messaged her, or she messaged me, at 1am, and we’d meet up, walk around town for 1 or 2 hours and then go home. It was always so relieving, just letting everything out, knowing that someone was there that cared. Damn, I wish I had that again… we don’t talk anymore, things just went south between us, and even if it hadn’t, she is leaving for a semester abroad soon and won’t be here anyway.
I don’t know anyone else that I could do that with, it takes more than being just acquaintances to be able to let go and feel comfortable with them, especially when opening up that much. And then, most people aren’t even awake this late. That’s really the problem: Once, through some random coincidence, you get a chance like that, and it really helps for as long as it lasts. But then when it’s over, things are even worse than before, because you know how “easily” you could feel better, and how little it would take to feel better; just a conversation with a friend, and a walk around town. Coincidences don’t happen twice.
In fact, my music feels the very same way. I used to be able to cope without it, and it wasn’t my first go-to solution I looked for when I needed something to distract me. Now though I can’t even imagine going without it, especially at night. I always have those headphones with me whenever I travel, whether it’s on the train, when I’m going for a hike, or when I visit my family and need to get away from them for a while, at least mentally that is.
It is ironic how different their influence is on me from that of someone I had just known a few months. I really can’t be around them for too long, or my anxiety goes haywire. It is sad really, not only for me but also for them. I don’t want to know what it would feel like for them when the very own son is affected so badly by their presence. I really wish it wasn’t that way, and I try to let it shine through as little as possible when I am with them; but deep down they know. It’s almost like a play where we’re all actors trying to make things seem normal. I want to be happy for them, but I just can’t, and neither can they for me.
It isn’t really helping my sense of self-worth either that I am mostly a burden to them. Or to most other people. I feel so useless, not good enough to be here by everyone else’s standards, and therefore by my own. Someone needs to tell me that what I am doing has purpose, and is acknowledged. It’s ridiculous how much it changes my state of mind when that happens. Last week I fixed a couple of bugs on one of my work colleague’s programs, and he appreciated the work and was somewhat impressed. I really did feel better, and I really could sleep better that night, at least a little. It makes no freaking sense that it affects me this much, but damn it’s like a cup of water a thirsting man, only that it isn’t water, but approval, appreciation, recognition, purpose, or whatever else you want to call it.
Okay, enough rambling now, I think I’ll be able to fall asleep 🙂
2 comments
I recognize your words.
And I recognize yours.