I think I might be hopeless, and I say this with a lack of energy. I went to a meet-up I found online last night because of some vain hope that I was salvageable. It actually went well, it was cool to have a social outing for once. But afterwards I just came back even more depressed than before. I missed my ex, I felt frustrated over all the friends I had pushed away over years that led to my isolation… if only these other people knew what goes through my head, knew what I monster I was, knew that I’ve only hurt the people who ever cared about me… I shouldn’t subject others to myself. I came back and this morning feel the want to not exist all over again. There may just be no reprieve.