Left Out

being left out always sucks. but i don’t complain about being left out. it’s just that… i feel like i’m unable to reach them or can’t compare to them. i watch their backs and i feel like i don’t belong to their group. we have been together for almost a decade. but the feeling of being left out is more persistent recently. it felt like this two years ago, but recently, once again, but the feeling is stronger. i don’t want to say that they don’t care about me, but i’m really having second thoughts on going with them or even getting near them. i feel like they’ve changed a whole lot in a span of weeks. i feel so damn left out. i can’t keep up with them and i really really can’t relate on what they’re talking. it sucks. i want to join them but i just really can’t find a right timing. it’s really draining too. i am currently in the process of healing too but the darkness keeps coming back and recently, it gets triggered a lot. this is one of those triggers. truthfully, i miss being with them. but now, i don’t know what to do exactly. i treasure them but at times, i feel like i don’t deserve them or i can’t compare to them. i’m confused actually. but what is clear, is that i feel so left out. i don’t want to feel left out, it makes me feel uncomfortable emotions. like it triggers the darkness. i hate it. but… i just don’t know. i need them, but they don’t need me. i really need them right now, but i just feel really left out and i can’t talk to them. i don’t freakin now anymore. i was always the silent one in our group and i really can’t relate to what they’re mostly talking nowadays. i’m scared of talking about what i want to talk about because i feel like they wouldn’t understand or just straight out judge or not listen to me. i just really don’t know. i hate it that the darkness is slowly coming back again, but i still welcome it. but, i’m still confused. just that being left out rly sucks.