Well im pretty sure im a pedophile, i feel like a fucking pedophile, im not someone who commited bad actions related to it, never masturbated thinking in shit like that and obviosly never tried to rape kids or anything like that either, i just feel sexualy attracted when i see some children, and i think end of this year im probably going to kill myself for that, because i dont know, is just too much to live with, i went to two psychologist and a female psychiatrist who gave me sertraline (zoloft) which didnt do shit, either way she was a good woman who tried to help me, she recently died. I hoped for some time i had that pure ocd and its just intrusive thoughts, but it just doesnt make sense, like im attracted to men, grown men, and you know right now i have no problem about that, but when i first started realizing it i thought of killing myself and discovered this forum (like 3 or 2 years ago, im 17 by the way), at first i didnt even masturbated thinking in dudes and was completely in denial or like angry at just thinking i was gay and wasnt sure about it, but even if i wasnt doing gay shit or masturbating only thinking in women, i was still gay, so i suppose that even if im not doing anything related to pedophilia and hate the thoughts/attraction and avoid children even like tv series where there are children, im still a pedophile.
Also this shit started at begginings of 2017, before i never felted like a pedophile, and it started when i was starting to being happy and accepted being like gay and shit, i had started to go to a psychologist because i wanted to know if i was gay o bisexual, and to talk about that with someone, it was like 2 months of happiness and boom my life miserable more than ever, and this time some really really serious shit (i realize how dumb and stupid i was for feeling bad for being gay). Also recently thinking about it maybe the pedophilia thing started unoticed in 2016, because i think i probably thought sexually of a kid younger than me but not sure.
At begginings of 2017 im sure i was watching a video in youtube, saw a kid, became scared because i felt sexually attracted and then hell started.
Sorry for my bad english i hope i die soon all i wanted was being a good person (at least not a fucking pedophile) and be semi happy but it seems impossible
18 comments
Hey there. I really liked reading this post.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong at all about having terrible or awful thoughts. I’m sure there are lots of people on this site who have considered doing a school shooting for example. Or, have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff with someone and just had a terrible and humane desire to push them? You know you would never actually do it, but the fact the thought even crossed your mind terrifies you. Thoughts like this are normal. And you’re not alone in feeling sexually attracted to children. A lot of people actually feel the same way. But since its such a taboo thing in this society, it really only shines a light on like the dark web. Where people will talk about it ect.
I just want you to know that thoughts and desires.. we as humans dont control that. So please don’t feel bad about it, because it’s human to have such terrible thoughts. And although most people won’t admit it, that mindset its way more popular than you might think.
Exactly. We don’t control our thoughts. But we can control our actions, and that’s important. It’s not thinking about children sexually that’s bad. It’s acting upon it. From what you say, you’re certainly not going to do crazy stuff like raping kids or anything, and that’s what really matters.
* I say “you” refering to OP, not darkwillow, sorry for the potential confusion
Hey it’s probably not that your sexually attracted to kids maybe it brings out a parenting instinct and a feeling of reproduction (literally IT IS as SIMPLE as that) trust me it is not pedophile. Pedophilia might be when you can’t stop looking at younger men and being fascinated with them thinking they are high and mighty gods gift to the world, as in if you are an older woman. Some people have strong sex drives, if you aren’t touching children or looking at them on the boob tube them you don’t need to worry.
Honest to god, like dark willow said, I sometimes have thoughts on constructing a biological weapon and wiping out the entire species or I’ll have a thought about committing mass genocide and being the next Hitler, although a part of me may seriously consider doing those things, I think on it as art and write about it in some creepy psyfi sort of base for a novel. I….. just… you know, laugh these things off. You’re not stuck in those feelings, you can switch off. It’s not literal, you don’t act on it. I may not commit genocide or even a simple single murder, but I do avow my suicide future
As a father, my first thought is.. Don’t ever, EVER act on your feelings and touch a child. EVER.
But if you can control yourself, you can live with this.. If you can’t, well.. then you already know what you should do.
I wish you luck.
I’m not going to sugar coat anything. If you think you’re a predator and decide to kill yourself to save your victims, you have my utmost supreme respect. I mean that.
Just wanted to add: that may be the best reason for suicide I’ve ever seen on this site.
^^ That.
Also, you might want to google “virtuous pedophile.” There’s a group of people out there like you who have these thoughts, but choose to not act on it. There’s a documentary / interview on that that on youtube. Very interesting. These people have to constantly fight that battle within themselves to not act on it, to stay away from kids, etc. I imagine it must be hell to fight that battle every day of your life.
I left someone because they had this problem, but they did watch some videos :/ I told them they needed help and did not wish them to commit suicide, just to address the problem. best to assess those thoughts and see them as a confusion, and that you’d never ever act on them. I think people who act on that kinda stuff do it for power and impulsive gratification. The thing is those people are damaged,Don’t be one of them, unless your emotions are not functioning you will have to live a life knowingg you’ve damaged another in one if the worst ways. Like stated above it could just be a mix up of wanting kids but also I think society fixates on young people and it’s sick af. Like it’s so bad, ageing is almost seen as unacceptable… but it’s not. Learn to deal with the thoughts and try to understand kids and young people are vulnerable, and they need to be protected. Seeing them this way, if you are not some kinda sociopath, will kill that urge. You just gotta kill the urge not yourself.
I will say this though, if one does harm a kid then it’s probably a really good reason to end it. Tbh videos are damaging too. So it’s like a mixture of sympathy of knowing how difficult this stuff and also my feeling to need to protect children, protecting kids is most important (as a survivor of sex abuse when I was a child, it’s just instinct for me)
Smoke weed, bro. Life is a lot simpler than you’re making it. If you were really attracted to kids you’d know it.
^^ That.
Also, you might want to google “virtuous pedophile.” There’s a group of people out there like you who have these thoughts, but choose to not act on it. There’s a documentary / interview on that that on youtube. Very interesting. These people have to constantly fight that battle within themselves to not act on it, to stay away from kids, etc. I imagine it must be hell to fight that battle every day of your life.
oops, double posted. that was a reply under AXYZ’s comment.
I saw some of that virtuous pedophiles, but the dude that is like the leader of that, talked about how he tried to work as a babysitter, and masturbated in the bathroom because he felt near to rape those kids, thats real fucked up, first of all why would he wanted to work as a babysitter, in my perspective that would be a nightmare job, something i would want to avoid, also i saw a supposedly non offending pedophile whos married and went to dr. Phil show, but im pretty sure hes lying, and raped a girl he and his wife adopted, that last dude probably isnt part of virtuous pedophiles, and i suppose theres a lot of them commited to non offending, but i dont really think they could be any help to me, also i would enjoy way more talking about it to normal people not pedophiles, im probably getting a new psychiatrist who doesnt charge a lot (last one died from cancer a few weeks ago), and ask for those castration pills/treatment and see if that does something, (its not that easy to get a psychiatrist that would help me to get castrated, at least in my experience probably cuz i started going at 16 yrs old, but soon im gonna be 18 and hopefully get that treatment) but the objective ia always kill myself, like keep living until i finally do it, cause you kinda need balls to do it and also i think in my family and brother and you know i wouldnt like my dad having to find me dead, i would like i dont know the police or somebody to clean the body first so its not as traumatic to my family and like i said it needs balls and planing so to me its not that easy (i dont have the balls to do it for the most part). The thing is that even if i castrate myself, and it works (pretty sure a lot of times doesnt) my life would be ruined either way, i would feel better about reducing the possibilities of me you know becoming a monster, but either way i prefer to rest in peace than to live as a castrated pedophile, way more i prefer rest in peace.
Wow that interview I saw about the virtuous pedophile guy made it seem like he never acted on any of his impulses. Or at least that part wasn’t covered in that interview. Yeah it is a bit creepy. Definitely shouldn’t get a job near kids.
Isn’t there surgery to remove the parts? Better than pills though harder to get the surgery. But yeah, it’s better to rest in peace than to fight with such dark thoughts every day of your life. Scary and sad.
Dude.
Smoke. Weed. You’re seriously overthinking some stupid nonsense.
Have you ever seen lolicon hentai? A lot of people don’t consider it all that weird. I’m not interested in knowing if you’re really into kids but that might help you channel what are just weird urges. If not, I always adhere to what Gandalf says about not being eager to dole out death and judgement. If you are actually a pedophile, life will probably get you in the end.
…Maybe try imagining what it’s gonna be like in the future, getting off to the FULL proportions of a grown woman. All those milfs who you wanted to bang one day- all yours… imagine that.
…Talk to the kids who smoke weed in your school. Get some. Smoke it. Stop being so neurotic and dumb.
I don’t know if what I say is going to help you or not but maybe, I hope it is gong to change your mind on who you are. I was raped when I was 6, and since then I m a wreck, I hate my body, I hate myself and I m feeling like although it was 15 years ago this bastard is still inside me. But I don’t hate you, I in fact respect you very much. This guy, he didn’t care at all. I lost my dad when I was 3, and lived with my Mom and my younger brother. When He came I was feeling very lonely and jealous of my brother because he was getting more of my mother’s intention. So He took advantage of that, he turned me against my mother and bought me a lot of presents but none to my brother. He would tell me he stayed only for me because he didn’t really love my mother. Then He said that at some point he would marry me and one night when my mother left asked me if I wanted to play a game I agreed and he raped me. At the end I couldn’t move a single muscle so he shook my shoulders and promise me he wouldn’t do this again given that I kept my mouth shut. A few weeks later my mom discovered that he was broke m, cheating on social security and lying about pretty much his entire life.So she threw him out but this wasn’t over cause he threatened her to kill himself and then to hurt her. Finally she told him that if he didn’t stop she would call the police and we never heard of him again. He was a devious psychopath with no remorse and no notion of right and wrong. You never did anything and yet you feel guilty and scared to hurt children . I was very moved by your post, I think the world needs more people like you. Take care