They say …

They say that I’m a lucky woman,
being healthy and successful,
living in good, rich Germany.
But sometimes I wonder
if people are blind
and completely heart-deaf here.
A few weeks ago,
I was waiting in a hotel –
A guest from Australia
was walking through the lobby.
A mobile on his ear.
I heard him talking:
„They are like robots here,
all of them!“
He couldn’t see me in the corner.
Then I just read HERE
from this young man
from Australia…
Complaining pretty much
about the same things over there.
Is there any better place?
Anywhere?
I doubt. I traveled a lot.
Hell opens everywhere I just
linger around long enough.
I stopped working now.
A freelancer, no lobby, no security,
trying to help other people.
Depression. Once again.
It is just terrible.
People try to help.
But they can’t help themselfes.
Just look at them.
Take away their belongings,
their thoughts,
their relationships,
their work,
their entertainment…
What will be left in most of them?
Everybody knows a solution,
but nobody really listens.
They just know, know, know …
But they don’t feel a thing.
I wont like to be a burden to them,
they have to carry enough,
without even realizing.
And I need no more suggestions …
I am done with pills since a decade.
I am done with therapy.
I am done with drugs.
I am done with people.
I am done with Shamans.
I am done with Gurus and Buddhas.
I just feel like a naiv child,
growing up to though reality now.
And realizing, that there was a
very good reason for delaying.
A dark night of the soul …
I think one must be very wise,
to really grow up here
without losing her inner child .
I am just a foolish woman.
I am tired. I am broken. I am lost.
I gave so much
and was sucked empty.
If god exists, well …
he will be late too, I guess.
Everyone was late in my life.
I got used to it…
I got used to it!
Am I suicidal?
I think I was, for way too long.
Not even this thoughts
bring any relief anymore.
I assume I am not.
NO, I am dead already.
And all hopes GONE.
I am so exhausted from
trying to start over
and over and over and over again.
And things just getting worse
and more pointless,
year by year by year.
Now I run out of time and money.
And I don’t belief in miracles anymore.
I am done with all this here.
For solving one issue
The universe provides four new ones.
I took a last attempt.
Sold my stuff, moved house and city,
ended another toxic relationship,
Took another run-up …
and felt worse then ever before.
I lost myself completely in this.
There is no higher purpose here.
It is all about rendering you helpless
again, like a six year old child.
It is all pointless.