Still here, still blah, forever wishing it would end. Never having the actual strength to end it, so another holiday season of pure hell is almost here. But just like years before I’ll get through it alone. I’m tired of showing up to all the shit alone and pathetic. I wish I could just stay home and stay in bed, but I also don’t want anyone to be upset so I’ll put on my fake smile and push through.
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It’s insane, what we push through, just that others are comfortable.! I’m relieved I don’t have family outside, that I would need to spend holidays with. It’s seems ridiculous to me… They’re all celebrating for whatnot and you’re just like: Eh, yeah. I kinda just wanna be left alone and don’t participate in this Freak-Show. I hope you at least enjoy it a little bit. – Your personal Scrooge
Most people don’t understand how hard it is to make everyone else happy when all you wanna do is lay in bed and be ok with being alone and depressed. The older I get the more I relate to the grinch well the grinch pre end of the movie.
I didn’t see this post til after I posted mine, but it looks like we’re in the same boat. I hate being expected/forced to do social bs and would much rather be left alone.
The holiday season, from Halloween until New Years, or 2 whole months, is excruciating with all the pointless and awkward social engagements. I hope your fake smile is better than mine. I literally have to practice in the mirror like an idiot.
I’ve perfected the fake smile just cause I have to use it daily at work, which I will say I love my job, I run a daycare and working with kids is way easier than adults cause they don’t expect you to be happy all the time. I wish I could say no more than I do on social things. I have a dear friend getting married tomorrow and he asked me to be in the wedding and I’m dreading it. It’s one of those things I can’t cancle at the last minute like I usually do. The only social setting I’m comfortable in is comicons cause I can wear a costume and make myself someone else for the weekend that’s always a nice break from being me. But on the weekends I’m most happy in my bedroom watching Netflix or putting together LEGO’s it’s my zen my “happy” place where if I wanna cry no one needs to see so I can just cry.
I’m tired of putting on a fake smile while crying inside too
I haven’t celebrated any holidays for as long as I can remember… i just know bad things usually happen on the holidays.. a lot of holidays I am actually sexually harassed, molested, or actually raped. I speak about rape a lot because I have been raped countless times, too many to count, mostly people I don’t know, some people I do know. Otherwise, nevertheless out of the blue and always unwanted. Mostly the male gender when I have been a lesbian since a small child and only interested in strictly woman.. Last Christmas, was one of the worst rapes. I received a gift from my mother, a guitar and a keyboard, so I could record the album I’ve written (I was really hyped up, motivated and determined before) but then I had to sell the keyboard (because I knew I would never feel motivation to complete a solo project ever again) so I never got the chance to play and had to give up on recording the album, and most everything else because of these frequent occurences… Since then it feels all happiness I’ve ever felt is nowhere to be found. I feel the same all the time. Void, empty and numb and know from then on out my entire life would just be me trying to feel anything at all again. I’ve gave up hope on this life entirely and know I will never feel anything ever again. The only thing left I can do is write speak and listen, every thing else I am either banned from doing or I no longer feel like doing it, as I’d rather stare at a wall or hurt myself somehow (I can’t feel anything other than pain). Sorry to drag on and on but I usually don’t share about my rapes and it just feels good to get this type of stuff out. Even just to strangers on internet forums.
I’m sorry about your rapes. It’s something you never get over no matter how much time passes. I lost my virginity to rape and then shortly after that I got into a relationship that the only time we had sex was when he was raping me. I finally got the strength to leave him, 11 years later. but two months later I was sexually assaulted, in most cases people turn away from sex i went opposite and lost all respect for me, and i starts screwing everyone just cause if I was willingly doing it I wouldn’t get it taken, however earlier this year I was roofied, I have no memory of anything that happened I just mentally came to in pain and in my vehicle I went to the hospital for an exam and someone had forced things in me I’m glad I don’t remember because my dr said there was a lot of bruising but at the same time I hate that I don’t know who did it. I’ve since stopped having sex with random people not cause I respect myself just cause humans terrify me, also Since then I’ve become even more seclusive and don’t go out in public with friends I’ll go to their houses and hang once in a while but again I prefer being home in my comfort zone. I get the hate for the holidays due to traumatic things happening during them, i use to love Xmas but in my 11yr relationship/marriage he always beat the shit outa me on the holidays cause i fucked Up somehow, so it kinda ruined the magic for me, I like Halloween cause i like to dress in costume and be someone else.