I really was doing better, or at least better at pushing those dread feelings deep down so far I thought I had actually become happy. I know we all have issues. It’s why we’re on the internet sharing our feelings instead of telling those we are close to about it. I have friends, I know they care, but they don’t understand what I mean when I say I’m getting bad again. They know I suffer from depression but they don’t grasp how deeply it actually goes and how it makes me just want to not be here anymore. I want nothing more than to just disappear and not like move but just end it so I can stop having these days of complete distraught and not knowing how to deal with it. I’ve been so good for so long got put on meds to help even but last night I just started to feel like I was sinking like I can’t breath I can’t have these feelings anymore. Why do I go from being ok to just wanting it to end. Anyways I’m still here idk if any of the old users are still on here but venting on here helps me so thanks for reading
Still here, still blah, forever wishing it would end. Never having the actual strength to end it, so another holiday season of pure hell is almost here. But just like years before I’ll get through it alone. I’m tired of showing up to all the shit alone and pathetic. I wish I could just stay home and stay in bed, but I also don’t want anyone to be upset so I’ll put on my fake smile and push through.
I know other people cut im a cutter when I’m going through a lot. But a thought popped into my head what would happen if I just stabbed myself once? I have a lot of fat so it really wouldn’t do anything other than hurt is what I’m thinking. Any thoughts on this?
I had such migraines lastnight that I was throwing up (bonus on that maybe I lost some weight) and they’re not leaving today either all the pressure all day plus not to much sleep maybe an hour or two and I just feel like bitching about it. I’m tired of always being tired, I’m tired of pretending, I’m tired of the pain. Can I just have a day where I don’t feel anything? My ma keeps asking why I’m crabby today. I’m really not though I’m just not pretending to be happy. And then I got a message from one of my friends (who’s really not my friend just someone I hookup with on occasion) asking why I’m avoiding him, and I said I’m not I’m working over night all week and he’s being all moody about it and is now mad at me now. I feel bad that he’s mad even though there’s nothing I can do to change it. I’m just tired I need some relief but I won’t drink cause I refuse to do that when I am working just cause I work with kids. I was contemplating just making a few cuts to relieve my stress but If I cut to deep n need stitches I don’t have any of that with me, and I won’t be home till Sunday. Again just bitching about nothing and everything. Side note I read a post today that said someone commits suicide every 40 seconds, so every 40 seconds I count out I think that could be me, but I don’t have the balls to do it. Cause I care to much about how other people feel and I don’t want to upset anyone. Stupid brain.
Always tired. Never can sleep.
Always lonely. Never wants to leave my home.
Always working. Never have any money.
Always around kids. Never can have any of my own.
Always needs. Never accepts.
I just needed a vent session so here it is.
I hate how I always do one thing and never the other. I’m always depressed never happy and it’s just super annoying. Most people say they can’t remember a time they were happy. Is bad that I feel bad that I can remember a time I was? I didn’t have a horrible childhood. I was adopted and my adoptive parents were and are amazing but they are also very christian which is fine I love anyone whatever their belief I accept a person for who they are not what they believe (I’m an atheist) however they homeschooled me. Which made me different, plus I was fat. Prime young preteen for the mean kids. They they found out I was adopted and they filled my head with how my real parents didn’t even want me. I know all that’s silly compared to the childhood others have endured but it still started my sadness, then at 17 bad things happened and I had 11 years of hell and bullshit that I was to weak and scared to get out of, but at 28 I finally took my life into my own hands and made a change for the better thinking that would make life better but here I am 32 and bad things are still happening, no matter where I go what I do, what life changes I make, something bad happens, things will be almost tolerable for a month or two then bam depression followed by something tragic cause humans are shitty, it’s just getting to be to much and idk how to deal anymore. I want it all to just be over.
what does this word even mean? I guarantee 99.9% of happy people aren’t truly happy they’ve just accepted everything in there life and decide sure I’m happy but deep down they’re miserable too.
To anyone who knows me irl I’m one of the happiest, funniest, off the wall weird and corky people ever. I smile a lot I laugh even more. I put on this show to be happy just so everyone around me is happy. It’s exhausting. But any time I’m alone all I can do is be sad. And I fill that sad with men. Or I did up until about a month ago. about a month ago I got roofied and it’s messing with me more than it should. Because I’m legit missing 4 hours of my life. I mentally came to 4 hours after leaving the bar driving in my car and that in its self angers me because no matter how drunk I get I NEVER drive anymore I actually pre order my Uber before I go out and my Uber showed up but I wasn’t there when she did. Aside from that I had a lump on my head bruises everywhere and I was bleeding down there. And I’m so mad about it because I’m a hoe I will put out there is no need to drug me and rape me. I’ve been raped a lot actually and it pisses me off it’s part of the reason I became a hoe cause you can’t rape the willing, but apparently you can with drugs.
I’m so tired of this life I’m tired of making everyone around me happy just to go home and be miserable. Why can’t I just say screw it and just end it? Why do I have to suffer to make others happy. Ugh. Ok end the stupid rant this is the only place I can actually get all my feelings out without being judged. Thanks for reading
Maybe someday I’ll come in here and say guys I’m finally happy it happened…. but today is not that day. Nor will tomorrow be that day or ever really. I’m beginning to think this life is meant for nothing but to be sad, depressed, angry, all the dumb ones. Are we the ones that are broken? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know. I’ve held on so much longer than I ever expected to. I can truly say I’m only still here for other people. Sorry to be a Debbie downer but that’s how I’m feeling and I know y’all are the only ones who I can actually say that to without the fear of upsetting someone.
November and December are the worst. Everyone’s all merry holidays and happy and I just wanna slap them all. I hate the holidays so much they’re so depressing for me. I appreciate my family and my friends so much and they all try and make me happy but I just can’t be happy I can be drunk and incoherent but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to actually be happy and none of them understand that. So I fake happy to make them happy. Then I go home at night and drown my existence is alcohol and that usually ends with a stranger showing up for a hookup, my friends think i just really like sex but really I’m waiting for the day of one of them showing up with a gun or a knife and ending me for me so I don’t seem selfish. Cause I consider suicide peace for me but my friends tell me I’m just selfish for wanting it. Idk anyways thanks for reading me ramble.
It’s been a long time. I thought I was doing better however I have not been better I’ve just been drowning my thoughts with liquor. Dumbass, I was cut free for three months yet tonight I decided it was the only way to relieve the pain. I hurt I hate I am just done. I can’t keep going on like this. I currently have the face of a monster, many ask what happened? I truthfully have no idea I’m just bruised and battered all over my face and have no idea where the bruises and markings came from (thanks jack Daniels) but I won’t blame the liquor for my problems because the liquor doesn’t poor itself down my throat I choose to drink it and I’m an idiot. A self loathing fool who will never learn. Why am I even making this post? I don’t know. Cause I’m at my wits end. Cause I can’t find the strength to carry on. Cause I’m just done feeling this way. Well thanks for reading. Until next time. Hope you’re all ok.
Just Checking in. Still alive. Life’s been crazy lately maybe I’ll come in and update my life sometime soon. It’s not great just waiting and hopeful life will end sometime soon. I hope all of you are doing good or as good as suicidal depressed people can be.
nothing I feel nothing i start to get sad or whatever then I make myself feel nothing. I’ve fallen back into my bad habits with men cause I just don’t give a shit anymore use me for sex I don’t care I’m just an empty body waiting for the day my organs give up on me or someone ends it for me. I can’t try to feel because when I do try I get over emotional and I can’t handle it. I’m tired. I wish there was an easy way out.
just a quick thank you, thanks for reading my rants when I’m having a bad day, thanks for your inputs on my nonsense life, thanks for your compliments when I post pictures, even tho I still disagree with them. thanks for helping me stick around a bit longer. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep on in this life but until the day I get the courage to end my pain it’s nice to have people who understand. I love you all on sp and you’ve all been nothing but kind to me and helped me more than some of the people I’m around irl. I think it’s because here I don’t have to hide behind a fake smile or pretend I’m ok, cause I am definitely not ok. And it’s comforting to have a place I can come and just let all out.