Lost

No you don’t deserve worse, don’t be your own judge, jury and executioner. Don’t internalize the hatred that you might’ve experienced from others. And if you have done evil things to others, do what you can to make it up to them, rather than harming yourself.

Suppose for a moment that I was truly determined to end my life. Let’s imagine that I also self-harmed to deal with my pain/suffering. Now what if I accidentally cut too deep and damaged my arms and I can’t use them anymore.

How can I commit suicide if my arms don’t work and now I’m either bed-ridden and hospitalized? So now not only do I feel bad about my life, I can’t even escape it and my misery has increased 100 fold. Say I really wanted to die, do you think there’s anyone who’s going to help me and risk going to jail?

You have to look at the larger picture, your actions have real-world consequences and there is no “undo” button. There is no ‘respawn’ or going back and starting over. Sometimes those actions can be permanent.

Speaking only for myself, if my life was an absolute disaster, no hope of recovery. My health was going, no job, I was in all kinds of mental/physical pain. Then obviously I would look into ending my life. But in order to do that, you need to gather materials, do your research, make all your preparations until you can finally “do it.”

For that to happen, I need working arms/hands/legs, body. My face should be ok so I can walk into stores, buy what I need. How would it help if I get hospitalized from self-harm? What if they throw me in a mental institution, take away my belt and anything I could use to end my life and put me in a straight-jacket?

So my life would become a living hell for another 20-40 years, however long I lived. Plus I could face physical/sexual abuse from the staff and no one would do anything cause I’d be considered “crazy.”

I have done things I deeply regretted, either because I was young and stupid or I lost my temper and said things I shouldn’t have. Of course I’ve felt very guilty and regretful about it but there’s nothing I can do but try to make it up to people I might’ve hurt along the way.

But things in their proper context and always look at the big picture. You have to accept your mistakes and move on, however evil and bad they were. Hurting yourself solves nothing and only temporarily makes you feel better until you feel like shit again. It’s better to put that energy towards exercise or doing something else.

And if all you want to do is end it then you still need your body in good working order until you do the deed.

I got a bit carried away and didn’t address your point, it’s really good you’ve been able to control your impulses for a couple of months. Sorry to hear you hurt your hand but I hope it’s on the mend.

When you feel like self-harming channel it into something else like washing dishes for example. Trust me as someone who’s been through depression, self-hatred, anxiety and all kinds of other pain, exercise is wonderful and can really help change your mind.

Even if all you did was just go for a walk in the park or woods you’ll feel much better. Remember you are in charge, not your feelings, you can change them. Be kind to yourself. Be your own parent, try loving yourself instead of hating yourself, it could make a big difference in your life.

Don’t forget all of us here have been through our own hell-holes, you are not alone, you are not a bad person. Life just hasn’t been good to us but we have to make an effort to get the life we want and to fill it with people that make us happy. Also don’t forget that while sometimes people’s posts might not sound too warm/fuzzy, they reply because they care. Have a good night.

You’re welcome, I’m still up so thought I’d send a quick reply. Even if you deserved to be paralyzed for example, do you think you would be better or worse off?

Do you want other people looking after you and being a burden on your family members because your limbs won’t work because you damaged them (if you did)?

What if you wanted to end your life? How can you do that if your arms/legs don’t work and if you’re bed-ridden and no one wants to help you?

Your self-hatred needs to come to an end or you need to reduce it greatly. What’s done is done, you can’t take back what you did or said. It’s time to put it to rest and find some peace for yourself.

If you want to punish yourself, weight-training at the gym is one of the best ways to do it and assuming you don’t overdo it, you’ll get a great body out of it and feel a lot better.

Look I can tell you’re dealing with some very deep-rooted issues but I can also see that’s a part of you that wants to be better. Let the good side win the battle that is going on in your mind.

You have nothing to feel sorry about, aside from not treating yourself better. I truly wish you well and hope that you can find healing for your body and soul and that you can find peace.