*Content warning* Several forms of abuse and assault.
My story is a long twisted road as it starts from before my existence really.
I am a product of statutory rape. My 13 year old mother who had been abandoned by her alcoholic father clung to love wherever she thought she felt a single glimmer of it.
My dad was 18. When he was told to “get a job, get a car, and be responsible” he decided to take off. To this day he is still afraid of being charged for what he did. We met when I was 15, he was an alcoholic for 10 of the 11 years I’ve known him now. I’ve forgiven him the best I can but we’ll never be close.
When I was 4 my mother fell in love at 18 and got married. He was a preacher’s son and came from “a good Christian family”, meaning they hid their secrets well. As advocates for ‘spare the rod spoil the child’ everyone turned a blind eye to what my mother’s now ex husband did to me. I wish my childhood would let me go but on long nights my memories echo mercilessly throughout my mind.
For 6 years I was forced to stay where they adults fought, wounded, and abused one another repeatedly. By the time I was 9 I became a protector. I’d take my baby brother upstairs and turn the music up so he couldn’t hear the screams and crashes. I also intervened and kept my mother from being strangled to death.
Finally my mother gathered the strength to leave. She dated again. He seemed nice but something just wasn’t right with him. At least he left peaceably.
The nightmare began all over for me again though. My mother became an addict. Lost in her addiction she brought her ex husband back into our lives. They told me “things will be different out there” as they moved us to a different state. Things were not different. (2005)
After I ended up with a bruised knee cps became involved after I told my friends how it got there. Out of fear my mother packed us and moved us back home within 3 days.
Home is where I was bullied for years because I had a severe reaction to my nuclear environment. I was known as the “psycho” who flipped desks, screamed, and threw things. I don’t blame anyone for mistreating me because of my toxic behavior. The last straw ended with me chasing 3 girls down with a kitchen knife. I never had any intentions of hurting them, I just wanted to scare them and make the bullying stop. It wasn’t the right way to handle things but it got the job done. Telling the teachers, counselors, and family didn’t help. I did what I could in a desperate hour.
After that incident I decided at age 13 I needed admitted to the local hospital for a psychiatric hold. It was my third visit. I had forcibly been admitted twice before when I was 8 and 11. I would soon be accidentally overdosing on medication for the second time. (I’ll explain later).
Once I got out, my relationship with my mother detoriated progressively for several years. We’d get into literal fist fights. I bounced from her house to my grandma’s. I met my dad somewhere between that time. I spent so many nights crying alone in my room feeling unloved.
At 17 I decided to move in with my dad. Too many wounds and too much tequila drove me away. I went back to bouncing between my mom and grandma.
When I was 18 my mom got another abusive boyfriend. As a result I had to give up on her. She just lied about her bruises for too long and I could not sit back and watch her let someone destroy her like that.
My depression worsened as I moved back in with my dad to attend college just to end up as a drop out. I wanted to die. I thought about it often.
In 2013 I stupidly married a man I only dated for 2 months. He cheated on me constantly. Even while I was pregnant. I spitually killed myself on the bedroom floor while 5 months pregnant so I could carry that baby to term. I spent 10 months crying, sleeping, and growing a life inside of my dead soul.
I fell in love with my (ex) husband’s best friend. He had also been supportive of me and picked up my pieces several times. I had an affair with him after my daughter was born.
Years later I say “I loved him, I really did. I even give him credit for saving my life but he saved me like a substance saves an addict from dying by withdrawals.”
I had severe postpartum depression and he abused me. Out of desperation for love I went back to him even after he raped me.
In October 2014 I tried to take my own life. I gave everyone a chance to say their last words.
Not one person told me that they loved me or asked me to stay. I was devasted. Not even God reached me that night. It was why I only took a pill instead of the bottle though. I was completely alone and that is where I picked myself up and kept going.
I was forcibly hospitalized that more and 2 more times after that within 8 months. Over 10 years in several forms of therapy, EMDR, a few ECT sessions, and finding out that due to genetic reasons I cannot safely take medications(serotonin syndrome), I could not be reached. I was in survive or die mode. This was used against me when cps removed my first born as she had failure to thrive.
Her father abandoned her in foster care while I spent 10 long months in visits, doctor’s appointments, therapy sessions, and court dates. I was never formally charged with abuse or neglect. She was returned home and her failure to thrive was never to come with a medical explanation.
While battling the state a man came into my life (2015). We had a son together. All seemed well until about 18 months (2016) into the relationship. Soon there were holes in the door and holes in the wall. I powered through the trauma when he sexually assaulted me and I kept my children calm when he pulled the gun begging me to shoot him. (2017)
The police took his weapons but his father gave them back. I spent months in terror telling my loved ones “my opportunity will come”. It did but not before I was pushed through a window.
While cleaning up the glass I had a panic attack as I knew my new life was crashing in just like I did in that window. My life was like my mother’s but my children would not grow up like I did.
I told my daughter we couldn’t live there anymore. Then I sent her to California with her father who was never consistent because I was going to give her the out I never had. Her father filed for sole custody and has told me I don’t get to see her this year. I lost my baby girl because I chose to protect her. He doesn’t know why I did what I did. He just decided ‘winning’ was the best choice. Her best interests were never reviewed as I couldn’t afford to respond to the divorce.
I’ve been out of the abusive relationship for about 6 weeks now. I have my son during the week and I’m seeking employment while my relatives graciously let me stay with them.
I thought I was happier and doing well but no, that’s not the case.
15 comments
So essentially your mom was abused, she had kids, then you were abused and then you had kids and they’ll possibly be abused (hopefully not) and they’ll have kids and the pattern will keep repeating on and on.
That’s a lot of unnecessary, pointless suffering that gets passed down from one generation to the next. If only your mom or yourself or her mother could’ve stopped for a moment and decided she doesn’t want to have children so they don’t suffer what she’s suffered then the pattern would’ve been broken at some point.
I’m not trying to sound callous but at some point, would that idea not occur to you to not repeat what happened to you? I suffered in my life and absolutely hated my parents for what I went through so I decided I am not going to have any children unless I can afford to give them a good home and have a nice wife/partner.
So my suffering will end with me and I’m glad I made that decision, something my parents should’ve done. At least I won’t have kids who’ll suffer like I have due to being poor and other reasons.
I’m sorry for what you went through-no child should ever be put through something like that. But you should’ve learned from your experiences and done what your mother failed to do, which was to break the cycle of suffering once and for all. Hopefully, you can spare your children from the kind of life that you had.
I had decided not to have kids too… And now I have a daughter that was a complete accident after a night of drunken sex with a girl I barely knew (and now hate)
So you never know what may happen.
LLL, no my friend you knew exactly what “may happen” when you hooked up with a random girl. Did you not know that she might get pregnant if you had sex? Did you not know about condoms?
I hooked up with a hot girl I met at a club, but I didn’t have any condoms so I didn’t go all the way with her because I knew what would happen if I did and I was also somewhat drunk at the time also.
If they don’t have abortion pills or clinics, in your area I can somewhat understand but it just means people need to be that much more careful and avoid intercourse/getting pregnant.
I guess that’s what differentiates people who think like teens vs adults, the latter are responsible and sensible. While teens leap before looking and then regret their actions later.
Refraining from intercourse doesn’t take superhuman strength, it just takes some common sense and self-control. This is the reason why so many unwanted kids end up suicidal because their parents were irresponsible and didn’t restrain themselves and now their children pay the price for their actions.
Day2day I appreciate your willingness to end the cycle in the only way that guaranties it will be broken.
I suffered ritualized child abuse myself.
I thought I could end the cycle by being the best me I could be as a parent. Not even close. I screwed over my daughter and step son both just by being me. I did not lay a hand on them or deprive them of anything and yet they still learned my pain, adopted it, and suffered greatly.
a1957, thanks for that comment, yes it’d be great if people just woke up and realized that they are a link in a chain of maladaptive behavior that’s been passed down for generations.
Some people end up in risky circumstances and lifestyles because they learned it from their parents and while they’re aware of their own suffering caused by the relationships they choose to have, they can’t seem to think outside the box.
It’s not impossible though and if the only thought they ever had was “I’m not having kids” they don’t realize how much suffering that they could’ve prevented with just that idea alone.
Kudos to you for at least recognizing that you were also caught up in a similar pattern and tried to change it. Certainly the fact that you didn’t abuse your children will have a very positive impact on them, even if they still make bad choices. It’ll still be a lot better than if they were abused.
And if you treat them well and provide a home, at least you did the minimum and it’s a lot more than what some parents do for their kids and you should be commended for that. While I hate my parents for stupid things they’ve done and for putting me here, they were still much better parents than most people out there and I do give credit where it is deserved.
Hopefully other people will learn from these examples and not make the same mistakes that others have. Knowledge is the key to change.
a1957, one other key point I forgot to add-yes although you didn’t abuse your kids the science of epigenetics shows that parents can pass along their suffering through their genes.
So for example, if there was a history of surviving in harsh conditions and starvation in your lineage, then your offspring would experience the consequence of that as well. Likewise for stress and other issues, so this would explain why your kids show similar symptoms since you had gone through it.
Good points you are making day2day. Epigenetics explains a lot of otherwise baffling behaviors.
Thanks for the kind words.
BTW, in Colorado some benefactor donated a huge amount of contraceptives to the county health departments, preventing untold suffering.
a1957, you’re welcome and thanks in kind. Indeed, they say it’s about 50/50 nature vs nurture. I believe despite the conditions one grew up in, people can change their lives-though they might have to work harder to do so.
Good to know about that benefactor-having children should be a hard thing to do, esp given how time-consuming and costly it is to raise them. I’m thinking that it should require licensing, it might not be a popular idea but people should be required to meet a minimum IQ, income level, pass a psych evaluation before they’re allowed to pass on their genes.
We’ve all heard of the stories of psychotic parents and know such people should’ve been sterilized. But no doubt some religious nuts will come here and cry about eugenics and so forth so I’ll just leave it there for now. hehe
It would be very good if prospective parents had to meet some minimum standards. At this time the legalities and practicalities have prevented that. Ugh.
Fun factoid: Some historians point out that there were no child abuse laws on the books until the 1930’s. It was only after the government had to step in with family assistance in the wake of the Great Depression that it began to get the full measure of the dollar cost of caring for physically abused and neglected children as it started to bear those very expenses.
Of course those laws are are reactive, not proactive. Better than the nothing that came before them but far short of preventing the problems in the first place. At least for the willing mind there is anti-natalism to consider.
Actually I’ve broken the cycles?
I left the situations I was in. That ends pretty much everything my mom put us through. Having separated parents isn’t a tragedy or even sad as long as everyone can put the child ahead of their pettiness.
Also fully acknowledge my mental illness and what it means for my kids to have a mentally ill parent.
Mental illness is genetic. So parenting alone doesn’t play a role in it…..
AshCoveredAngel,
I wasn’t aware and I’m glad to hear that you made concrete changes to your life so that your kids wouldn’t have to go through what you did.
At the end of the day if a parent (despite how they have suffered) can meet the basics needs for their children, providing a good caring home without abuse then you’ve fulfilled your role.
So hopefully with your help, guidance, your child(ren) will choose a better life for themselves and you certainly deserve your props for that.
That’s a complicated story. It reminds me of my mom’s life story (we have a love hate relationship, but we’re still pretty close), especially with the parental abuse and having the child of a man you don’t love.
Thank you for posting your story.
@ashcoveredangel I admire your resilience. Mental illness is never a simple thing. And for many, doesn’t show up until adulthood.
At least you’re trying. You’ve been through so much. I hope you can pull yourself up.
Degenerated witnesses. A green pontiff, always in the light. The question was, were you ready for, what judgement day, was. The fog, can, to arrive, and now. To turn on this furnace, once more. With an uplift, and spirit. Does the table turn, again, once more. And hopefully, they’ll be more forgiving, than I would be, just saying.
Yes, hopefully.