*Content warning* Several forms of abuse and assault.
My story is a long twisted road as it starts from before my existence really.
I am a product of statutory rape. My 13 year old mother who had been abandoned by her alcoholic father clung to love wherever she thought she felt a single glimmer of it.
My dad was 18. When he was told to “get a job, get a car, and be responsible” he decided to take off. To this day he is still afraid of being charged for what he did. We met when I was 15, he was an alcoholic for 10 of the 11 years I’ve known him now. I’ve forgiven him the best I can but we’ll never be close.
When I was 4 my mother fell in love at 18 and got married. He was a preacher’s son and came from “a good Christian family”, meaning they hid their secrets well. As advocates for ‘spare the rod spoil the child’ everyone turned a blind eye to what my mother’s now ex husband did to me. I wish my childhood would let me go but on long nights my memories echo mercilessly throughout my mind.
For 6 years I was forced to stay where they adults fought, wounded, and abused one another repeatedly. By the time I was 9 I became a protector. I’d take my baby brother upstairs and turn the music up so he couldn’t hear the screams and crashes. I also intervened and kept my mother from being strangled to death.
Finally my mother gathered the strength to leave. She dated again. He seemed nice but something just wasn’t right with him. At least he left peaceably.
The nightmare began all over for me again though. My mother became an addict. Lost in her addiction she brought her ex husband back into our lives. They told me “things will be different out there” as they moved us to a different state. Things were not different. (2005)
After I ended up with a bruised knee cps became involved after I told my friends how it got there. Out of fear my mother packed us and moved us back home within 3 days.
Home is where I was bullied for years because I had a severe reaction to my nuclear environment. I was known as the “psycho” who flipped desks, screamed, and threw things. I don’t blame anyone for mistreating me because of my toxic behavior. The last straw ended with me chasing 3 girls down with a kitchen knife. I never had any intentions of hurting them, I just wanted to scare them and make the bullying stop. It wasn’t the right way to handle things but it got the job done. Telling the teachers, counselors, and family didn’t help. I did what I could in a desperate hour.
After that incident I decided at age 13 I needed admitted to the local hospital for a psychiatric hold. It was my third visit. I had forcibly been admitted twice before when I was 8 and 11. I would soon be accidentally overdosing on medication for the second time. (I’ll explain later).
Once I got out, my relationship with my mother detoriated progressively for several years. We’d get into literal fist fights. I bounced from her house to my grandma’s. I met my dad somewhere between that time. I spent so many nights crying alone in my room feeling unloved.
At 17 I decided to move in with my dad. Too many wounds and too much tequila drove me away. I went back to bouncing between my mom and grandma.
When I was 18 my mom got another abusive boyfriend. As a result I had to give up on her. She just lied about her bruises for too long and I could not sit back and watch her let someone destroy her like that.
My depression worsened as I moved back in with my dad to attend college just to end up as a drop out. I wanted to die. I thought about it often.
In 2013 I stupidly married a man I only dated for 2 months. He cheated on me constantly. Even while I was pregnant. I spitually killed myself on the bedroom floor while 5 months pregnant so I could carry that baby to term. I spent 10 months crying, sleeping, and growing a life inside of my dead soul.
I fell in love with my (ex) husband’s best friend. He had also been supportive of me and picked up my pieces several times. I had an affair with him after my daughter was born.
Years later I say “I loved him, I really did. I even give him credit for saving my life but he saved me like a substance saves an addict from dying by withdrawals.”
I had severe postpartum depression and he abused me. Out of desperation for love I went back to him even after he raped me.
In October 2014 I tried to take my own life. I gave everyone a chance to say their last words.
Not one person told me that they loved me or asked me to stay. I was devasted. Not even God reached me that night. It was why I only took a pill instead of the bottle though. I was completely alone and that is where I picked myself up and kept going.
I was forcibly hospitalized that more and 2 more times after that within 8 months. Over 10 years in several forms of therapy, EMDR, a few ECT sessions, and finding out that due to genetic reasons I cannot safely take medications(serotonin syndrome), I could not be reached. I was in survive or die mode. This was used against me when cps removed my first born as she had failure to thrive.
Her father abandoned her in foster care while I spent 10 long months in visits, doctor’s appointments, therapy sessions, and court dates. I was never formally charged with abuse or neglect. She was returned home and her failure to thrive was never to come with a medical explanation.
While battling the state a man came into my life (2015). We had a son together. All seemed well until about 18 months (2016) into the relationship. Soon there were holes in the door and holes in the wall. I powered through the trauma when he sexually assaulted me and I kept my children calm when he pulled the gun begging me to shoot him. (2017)
The police took his weapons but his father gave them back. I spent months in terror telling my loved ones “my opportunity will come”. It did but not before I was pushed through a window.
While cleaning up the glass I had a panic attack as I knew my new life was crashing in just like I did in that window. My life was like my mother’s but my children would not grow up like I did.
I told my daughter we couldn’t live there anymore. Then I sent her to California with her father who was never consistent because I was going to give her the out I never had. Her father filed for sole custody and has told me I don’t get to see her this year. I lost my baby girl because I chose to protect her. He doesn’t know why I did what I did. He just decided ‘winning’ was the best choice. Her best interests were never reviewed as I couldn’t afford to respond to the divorce.
I’ve been out of the abusive relationship for about 6 weeks now. I have my son during the week and I’m seeking employment while my relatives graciously let me stay with them.
I thought I was happier and doing well but no, that’s not the case.