3 Months Ago i posted my first post here ”I Want to be Happy”.
Back in those days i told myself ”If things don’t get better by the end of this year (2018) i would end up my life”
Weeks after i wrote that post i was actually optimist, the things in my life got better, i trutly thought i would make another year. But it was just that, a delusional through.
But life beated me down.
The things that happened goes far from my control, i can’t help not even to myself, less to my family. and if it is not enough…
She found another dude, she told me she maybe like him, shattered, i ended up going out to my house from school (even though I had more classes) because i was close to have a nervous crisis. And it happened, i locked up myself on my room and it was crazy, i wanted to faint but i didn’t. IT WAS MY FIRST NERVOUS CRISIS IN 4 YEARS. I ended up trembling and crying in silence because i didn’t want my parents to be concerned about me.
I don’t know if i should writte the things just happened, by doing that i would not feel better, so i’m not going to do that, because i officially GIVE UP.
I just to ask to God; Why? It was neccesary? Why would you put beat me up like that? DO YOU HATE ME? I PRAYED TO YOU, I ASKED YOU FOR HELP, BUT I ENDED UP BEING THE FORSAKED, I CRIED TO YOU LIKE A MANIAC, but you never came to me, never
Job 3:3 Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.
I feel terrible, i never felt so down before, i can’t cry, just laying in bed for hours, i don’t want to eat, i don’t want to go to school, i can’t even talk, i can’t even sleep, and for the very first time music doesn’t help anymore in my depression.
I just want to be happy again I SWEAR I TRY TO BE, but i just can’t. Now nothings it’s going to keep me sane, back then, music/friends/movies/games helped a a lot, now i don’t enjoy nothing but sleep (and it’s hard to)
Don’t told me i didn’t tried because i did, I TRY TO LAUGHT, TO ENJOY, TO THINK IN GOOD THINGS BUT I CAN’T!
I think it’s the beggining of the end. Since the only things i enjoy it’s sleep, better get eternal sleep.
1 comment
Things have gotten so bad the past two years it’s going to be really awkward when I kill myself.. due to that I’ve been locked up in the house for about 2 years. I should have killed myself when my sentence began and I knew it wouldn’t get better but I didn’t know how to at the time.. with all this terrible time at home I have more people lurking knowing that I can’t leave.. I don’t know who baited me and sicked the cops on me, but I just have a feeling they were trying to kill me by doing so.. Probably someone I’d never have anything to do with but insisted on following me around. They knew I’d commit suicide because they ruined my life so they found the opportunity to torture me so I’d have to commit to get out..
I used to pray to god to kill me before morning, he never answered my prayer