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by Mac-10toSchool

Suicide is always an option for me. Here’s what I mean.

Let’s say I lose my Car Keys. When I go through my head to assess my options, my options will look like:

1. Trace your steps

2. Replace the keys

3. Kill yourself.

It’s always there for some reason, in my list of options when I’m trying to solve problems. Isnt that ridiculous!? Even when I’m not depressed it’s like that.suicide

I would say I’m only mildly depressed right now, and that I’ve been working hard to make progress. I have made progress, lots of it. But it’s still there, like this annoying little whisper. I keep having to remind myself that things arent bad enough to warrant suicide. I know recovering is a process, and that these sort of things happen when you’re trying to improve. Doing my best to ignore it and keep going anyway. I guess I just never realized how destructive my own negative thinking really was.

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13 comments

heartlessviking 12/30/2018 - 1:16 pm

To someone with a hammer all problems look like nails? It’s a real cognitive distortion, though it’s unclear if this is what is going on.

TickleBits 12/30/2018 - 1:24 pm

I believe it IS a cognitive distortion. Great analogy by the way, with the hammer!

flutterby 12/30/2018 - 5:14 pm

Great analogy! Fucking brilliant!!!

Teresa's Child 12/30/2018 - 1:22 pm

I can relate.

BL98 12/30/2018 - 3:04 pm

Hello, Clare

flutterby 12/30/2018 - 5:18 pm

I’m the same way ticklebits. I have always and probably will always have my suicidal self. Not as an option but a feeling. Personally I am just ignoring it. Just let it pass and keep my eyes on the prize which is… not being depressed.

Once 12/30/2018 - 6:34 pm

So first thing I want to say is thank you for making me laugh. I mean absolutely no disrespect. I completely understand this.

I am seeing a nurse practitioner who is assisting me with a regimen of meds. We’re having some success. When she asked about suicidal thoughts, I explained them as “Well, it s like this – I get up, take a shower, get dressed, think about standing in front of a train, fix breakfast, feed the cats, scoop their litterboxes, wonder how quickly my head would explode if I shoot myself, get started with the days chores, take out the trash, consider getting drunk and filling the tub with hot water and slitting my wrists, etc.” The thoughts are just always there, as much as every breath and every step. She just seems to pause and consider what I’m telling her, and her response is usually something like “Ok, that’s interesting.” I think she is hoping I’ll tell her I’m hearing voices, as opposed to these just being my everyday thoughts, mixed in with all the other days thoughts. I guess there are meds that can help with hearing voices, but it can be more difficult to fix a person’s way of thinking with a pill.

Anyways. I find it amazing that not everyone thinks this way. Thanks for this post.

flutterby 12/30/2018 - 10:54 pm

I would also get a sense of comfort when I knew how I could kill myself. Like a security blanket.

a1957 12/31/2018 - 12:22 am

Me too.

a1957 12/31/2018 - 12:23 am

That last paragraph is me as well.

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/31/2018 - 1:28 pm

I was like that at one time, because well if suicide is your short term goal then why replace the keys before killing yourself, you won’t need them anyway where you are going.. my thing is Ill usually end up just replacing them because I still have things to do before committing..

I’m like that with fixing holes I made in the house by slamming my head against the walls, suicide has been my goal for 13 years… I think it would be nice to fix but it doesn’t help me achieve my goal… I’m also like that with quitting my job you are supposed to give a thirty day notice but hell I was supposed to have committed 7 years ago.. I don’t know if I’ll know 30 days in advance when I go and commit. Just this morning I thought would be a good time, I keep having creepy dreams. They were telling me I was going to be hospitalized again. To sit through a hospitaliZation is not what I want. Last time I was hospitalized I started harming myself by slamming my head against things. Not to mention the staff were very much creeps. I can sit through hospitalization and take it while still sitting and thinking about how to commit when I get home, but it just makes the urge to commit that much stronger.. I might not have any urges nowadays except I can’t kill the traumatic memories of hospitaliZation from my mind. It was supposed to be one bullet and done not a lot of random people interfering to keep all of my life extremely f*cked up

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/31/2018 - 1:32 pm

For me it’s like the ultimate prize is the bullet in the brain. I guess that’s why I haven’t commit with other methods. Because when I chose, I made my choice and my choice was bullet to the brain. I guess the end result is the same and I am capable of committing with other methods but the one I choose is still the method that belongs to me.. the others do the trick but without the excitement and ecstasy of going through with my very own carefully crafted plan..

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/31/2018 - 1:57 pm

Otherwise I’ve had nothing to do with my life other than sit and stew on how to commit because they took my license for 2.5 years and I was hell of a lot sure that I would commit before getting my license back because that ruined my life. As soon as I heard that I wouldn’t be able to drive for a year, I thought why the hell should I live then and attempted to overdose but hadn’t studied up and didn’t take near enough to kill me. I can’t believe I took them though. I thought it would be like take pills, fall asleep, not wake up. It was more like feeling really antsy because I couldn’t sleep and then I got really weak but still couldn’t sleep. I accidentally said something though and would have been fine but since I told someone they took me to hospital to get IV fluids. They said I wouldn’t have to go to the psych hospital but then they forced me to go anyway. Since I’ve researched lethal dose and although that was not a lethal dose I have collected enough lethal dose to have in case I need to take.

All I would do is drive and I had no place of belonging other than in my car. I despised my folks whom I lived with so I’d spend all my time in the car. Of course it went on longer then a year because at the year mark they tell me “oops you have to pay 1300$ just to validate your license holds” so.. I’m all. get a job then I can pay back my guardian for the money she loaned me for weed and all that the last few years I’d been unemployed and then I can pay my license back at the same time. I haven’t commit yet and I did pay around 3000$ to get my license back, I was driving again for around 2-3 weeks then I was just arrested again. (700$) Then I was arrested again, about 11 days later where they took my license again and tried to book me for a felony. Now they’ve had my license for I think 3 more months, but I tested no drugs in system I just had weed on me. But the plan is I don’t want to kill myself at home so I’ve been trying very hard to get my license back even so far as to buy a cheaper used car to commit in. It’s sad because they always get me while I’m trying to just enjoy my last days before I commit, so of course I hadn’t smoked weed in two years and that’s all I ever used to enjoy doing so I just wanted to get high well one last time before I committed. To see if it is really as good as I remembered and if there was a reason it kept me distracted from suicide for so many years… My second DUI that was terrible too because I was actually finally had a plan of how to commit without a weapon and was going to drink for the last night on earth celebration before I jumped off a bridge the next day. I’d been thinking about the San Francisco bridge for a couple months before that happened, but couldn’t find a way to get to it. But I researched how long a fall to commit. I’ve always visualized jumping off buildings in a last ditch effort that Is if couldn’t get a gun and shoot myself through mouth to brain…

I tend to complicate things but I’m just trying to make it (committing) easy on myself. I definitely don’t need or want this life……… I actually rather abhor it.

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