A wrong turn taken

  December 8th, 2018 by MisterBoo

Hi, everyone.  I just stumbled upon here Googling “Suicide” last night, and thought this would be a good place to share.

I’m a 44 year-old male, and father of a seven year-old boy.  I also have a Bipolar II and BPD diagnosis, just recently having returned from a 28-day DBT program which I voluntarily enrolled myself in.  While I’ve learned a ton there, I also left the facility with the worst suicidality I’ve experienced in my life.  I’ve spent the last two days inches away from doing it, via a pretty aggressive method, only to not go through with it each time.

I have been/was married for 13 years, and overall together for 19 years with the love of my life.  I love her with every fiber of my being.  I also made a colossal mistake about a year ago.  During some pretty prolonged struggles, mostly related to parenting, I began an affair with a close friend, which continued, despite my wife and her husband finding out, for months, until it ended both our marriages (mine is not final until January.) We then began our own relationship, which just ended when she left me while I was in my DBT program because, in her eyes, I’d left her, or some crap.  Even with this betrayal on my part, my wife and I remained close, even when she wanted to punch me in the head.  I asked to reconcile several times.  She said no.

While in treatment, something changed.  My wife was asked if she wanted a new life partner.  She hesitated to answer, then said yes.  Everything changed for me, at that point.  The guilt and shame I’d carried with me multiplied.  I was already hating the co-parenting life, trading him back and forth, but not being able to see him wake up every morning.  That’s when my suicidality went through the roof.  I don’t want this life.  I don’t want a third act.  I don’t want to live in guilt and shame.  I want my family.

I couldn’t say anything while in facility, but suicide has been the only thing on my mind since returning home.  That, or having my family back. I’ve told my wife about my suicidality.  She’s sort of resigned to doing nothing, as five hospitalizations in the past year haven’t done much.  She feels as if she has to choose between getting back together, and my dying.  The fact that she has to even think about this skeeves me out.  She talks to me about my son, my parents, etc.  Yes, I think of them all the time, but one person is never enough.

I’m filling out a will and figuring out some stuff about my debt.  I have two of the famous suicide texts on order from Amazon, in order to do this in a gentler way.  I don’t know if I can wait that long.  The pain, even with my “Ride the Wave” DBT skills, is unbearable.  It only subsides when I talk about how things could be if we were a family again.  I really hope I get that.  It’s not that I even want to die.  I just want to live in misery less.

Thanks for listening

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