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How close are you to dying?

by Mac-10toSchool

I’m curious about the average suicidality of people who post here. So, I thought I’d conduct an experiment and ask.

On a scale of 1-10, How close do you think you are to killing yourself right now? (1 being not close, 10 being very close)

EDIT: To more accurately measure degrees of suicidality, I’ll be taking fluctuation into account as well, because people feel more suicidal on some days than others. So, if your number today is different than it wouldve been yesterday or earlier in the week, that’s okay. Please feel free to share those numbers as well. So, to recap, Please share your number as it is today, and if you want, share your numbers as they have been recently as well.

I’ll keep an eye on this post, and post the resulting average of those who responded after a day or two.

Thank you to those who participate!

 

28 comments
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28 comments

Taf Taf 1/19/2019 - 5:12 am

Well, it depends… Today I would say I’m close to 2 or 3, other times it gets to 7-8 or 9-10. In the past I’ve reached 10 and tried to kill myself (twice).

Mac-10toSchool 1/19/2019 - 5:17 am

Thank you for responding! I appreciate it 🙂 Hope you feel better today

n.retro_waver 1/19/2019 - 5:22 am

I’d say it’s the same with Taf Taf.. Today is an “ok” day so thats around 6.
Yesterday was a 9-10.
It hasn’t been below 5 in a long time and it does get worse the older you get. Even with therapy and meds the urge never goes away, just diminishes a bit then comes back stronger.

Mac-10toSchool 1/19/2019 - 5:29 am

Thank you for participating! I’d say I’m at a 6 today myself. For the sake of learning and gaining insight , may I ask what effects the fluctuation? What causes today to be better from yesterday, when yesterday was so very painful?

If you see this Taf Taf, I’m asking you as well

n.retro_waver 1/19/2019 - 5:58 am

hi. I’m not sure. It comes in waves.
If I were to parrot what the doctor said, its all bio-chemistry in the brain ( I was formally diagnosed as bi-polar last year though schizo is still unknown though the doc I was seeing suspected that).
Aside from that, I woke up aching all over again and feeling awful. That plus all thats going on in my head really took me down.
I started reading the posts here and they helped calm me down a bit.
It really helps to have this place to vent and share without the constant fear that you won’t be allowed to leave the hospital (again).

Mac-10toSchool 1/19/2019 - 6:04 am

That’s very true. Having a place like this DOES help, especially because suicide and mental illness in general is so stigmatized.
Thank you for mentioning your fluctuating moods, because that’s a factor I didnt originally consider. It will give me a more precise measure of how suicidal people are.
I appreciate your contribution and input, and I wish you the best

TheSadRaven 1/19/2019 - 6:16 am

Last night and this morning,That’s around 8-10 because my mood was beyond my control,I was angry and depressed at that time.But now I’m feeling much better and That’s 5-6.It seems that I always have suicidal feelings.( I’m not good at English,forgive my English.)

PatheticMale 1/19/2019 - 7:00 am

0. I could not do it and I know it very well even when sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. I liked your post where you distinguished suicidality and suicidal thoughts. It applies to me nicely. I just couldnt do it because I am too scares. I am not scared of death, just suicide (not for religious reasons). The bigger reason is that I have 2 sisters who are very young children and I could never forgive myself for destroying their life coz of my stupid inability to cope..

PatheticMale 1/19/2019 - 7:03 am

When I have suicidal thoughts I always assure myself that I will commit on my 30th birthday. They will be old enough to take it then perhaps. But I would lie if I said I dont have any hope that my situation will improve till then. If not I am going to give myself an epic present. (Lethal dose of H.)

Mac-10toSchool 1/19/2019 - 12:57 pm

Thank you for sharing

Lostlullaby 1/19/2019 - 10:43 am

Last week I would say 8-9 because I actually planed arrangements to kill myself today I would say 4, because I feel like shit and I have suicidal thoughts but I still want to live and try to make the most out of it all

Mac-10toSchool 1/19/2019 - 12:56 pm

thank you for your input!

Soda 1/19/2019 - 2:28 pm

Great question Mac. I’d say 3 on average. I do sometimes wish I was dead but I keep going mostly for family and goals I have in my life. Sometimes it spikes to 8 depending on my mood and the crap going on in my life at the moment.

A couple of times in the past I’d say 10 and I came close to attempting once-I almost bought the stuff I needed, but thinking of my family brought me back from the edge. However, if I reach a point in my life where nothing is going well and I’m just bouncing along the bottom for the next 5-10 years then I will have had enough.

My mother is elderly and I’ve mostly stuck around for her. Once she passes away possibly in the next 5-10 years, then there’s nothing to hold me back as my other family members are doing fine and will be ok if I’m gone.

I used to be ambitious and tried hard to get somewhere, everything I did eventually failed. I still have a few more cards left to play but if they don’t pan out then I’ll probably accept that I’ll never get anywhere in this life and head for the exits.

Mac-10toSchool 1/19/2019 - 2:33 pm

That’s very selfless of you to stick around for your loved ones. I appreciate your contribution, so thank you! I’m interested in mathematics and the sciences, and a suicide study of the site was too tempting not to try. I’m too curious about these kind of things. Like, how suicidal does someone get before they seek places like SP? I hope to maybe answer some of these things through this experiment. I appreciate your input, and the input of every other contributor as well. Thank you all!

Soda 1/19/2019 - 3:56 pm

My pleasure, yes it’s an interesting topic. Well I really care about my mother. While I used to hate my parents as a kid, my thinking matured greatly as I became an adult (naturally). I realized how much my mother sacrificed to help my siblings and I get where we are today. My dad helped too but not as much.

I have the highest respect for her today, she’s been a rock for me especially when I was struggling and we’ve helped each other over the years. So I have no intention of ever leaving her on her own at this stage so long as I’m breathing, plus my siblings are selfish and largely useless.

Most of us here know we’re all going to die someday anyway, so if we hit dead-ends (pardon the pun) with every path we’ve tried then there is little reason for some of us to continue.

Then the next challenge is finding a method to do it that works, is fairly quick and painless and doesn’t leave a big problem for those left behind to deal with. Not a fun prospect but certainly far better than ending up homeless (imo) or going senile, getting abused in a home/shelter. There are far worse ways to go and a good death is the best way to cap off a bad life.

Soda 1/20/2019 - 12:08 am

*nursing home

ravingbean 1/19/2019 - 2:38 pm

Two weeks ago I attempted to die. Obviously I failed. Today I am at about 7.

Mac-10toSchool 1/19/2019 - 4:33 pm

thank you for sharing

Klownisak 1/19/2019 - 6:53 pm

I wouldn’t be here if suicide hadn’t been crossing my mind. However, I’d say that’s all they are, just thoughts. It’s a 1 at the moment; though January 17 was a sh*tty night, I’d give that an 8. I was upset for maybe 5 hours before I calmed down at 3 in the morning. The ups and the downs are like a rollercoaster ride. So I don’t know if I’ll ever really snap and carry out an impulsive decision.
I’m a very depressed woman and I’m only trying to get through the mood swings as best as I can.

heartlessviking 1/19/2019 - 7:16 pm

At the moment I feel like it’s a 3, with little burst of 6. Yesterday I was at a 7-8, and I’m getting flashes of that desire from yesterday. As to what happened yesterday I was really tired and having hallucinations. It was unclear if I was going to have to go to the hospital, and I’ve worked really hard structuring things in my life. The pain was bad enough from that mismatch that I had to work really hard to pull myself off the age.
So I distracted myself, got out of it. Today I’ve been a little stressed about stuff. It would be nice to end it, but today it’s just a distant desire.
Sometimes I get close to rapturously suicidal. It’s like I can be absolutely fine one minute and the next after a trigger I’m at a full 10, like resisting suicide is harder than putting my hand on a red hot stove. I have the willpower that I can pull that off, but after a few minutes it leaves my energy levels, my control over anything else completely shredded.

Ben777 1/20/2019 - 1:39 am

Great question indeed.

Right now, I’d say 2-3. Yeah, I’m not even close, sadly. In my ‘best days’ I would reach 6-7. But I really miss that crazy night when I went 10, and I almost was successful. Something was lost in that long road, and I could never reach that level again, no matter how bad I feel.

Hope Dream Love 1/20/2019 - 5:09 pm

Typically I’m fine. But sometimes I wonder why live it’s just hell. Although that’s just me being theoretical and thinking not suicidal at all. Then there’s other times I’ve put serious thought and actually almost went through with it once and thought about doing it several times but thankfully every time I was talking to my friend. At least I think thankfully. It is a hell.

Cause of Death: Suicide 1/22/2019 - 10:50 am

I’d say right now I’m at a 9, close to a 10. I say that high because well I’ve been waiting to commit for a long long time and usually I’ve been very patient, my date was set for suicide to commit on Aug 1, 2012. It’s been a very long and horrible 7 years. (There’s not one moment in those 7 years that I’d willingly have stuck around to witness, which just confirms my choice as being the right one for me.) There’s nothing holding me back I say, but for the longest time I couldn’t figure out a reliable method and I had no money for my one true method that I relied on for at least a decade to get me the h*ll out of here. My feelings don’t fluctuate much. I always would choose suicide, any day, bleak and grey or fluorescent and multicolor. I’m feeling a bit better because I don’t feel I have people hovering as much as before so it will be easier for me to commit without being followed. Maybe I’ll be allowed to decide for myself. Anyhow, I’m a 9/10 because I’ve finally picked up a reliable method and have tied up all my loose ends in preparance the last two years. And what at once was an impossibility is now feasible. I struggled so much searching for that method that I wouldn’t be afraid to enact. It took me like 7 years to figure out a different method (my right to arms I no longer hold and that was the only future I had planned for myself – a suicide by gunshot) My new method is definitely no gunshot.. but easy and painless still. I may be committing here soon, I just have a few more loose ends.

Cause of Death: Suicide 1/22/2019 - 10:52 am

But I’d also like to say I’m unsure if I’m capable to commit as timely as I’d like because I might have to pay some things first and I don’t have very much money ….. it’s very difficult for me.

lostcase 1/24/2019 - 4:39 pm

i would die right now if it wasnt for my religion i think you can call that a 7, it all goes beck that i have such beliefs that holding me from killing myself despite wanting to die all the time. all i ever think of is that i wish i was dead right now.

vwbeatles 2/7/2019 - 12:03 am

Last night I was at a strong 8. I deactivated all my social media accounts and definitely started acting as if it were my last day on this earth. The only things keeping me from 9 and 10 were lack of tools/methods available and the fear and dread of what would happen if I failed my attempt.

Didi Foxglove 10/21/2019 - 4:17 pm

My normal number is probably 4. It fluctuates, typically down to perhaps 3. A short while ago it was a 6, maybe even 7. Whatever it was, it was high enough to find and join the suicide project.

granite 3/9/2020 - 10:20 pm

A 7 usually at night when asleep then waking up to wanting to die. A 7 when issues happen and legs give out for a small bit while feeling so hopeless and numb and weak tired afraid sad lonely

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