My family is unhealthy, they have caused each generation to be fucked up. They belittle and break instead of support and nurture. They are toxic, my depression and suicide attempts stem from all the seeds of self loathing they planted and helped grow. I’m older now and I don’t hate myself I may actually love myself so it doesn’t affect me like before. I stay out of obligation? fear of truly being alone? Who knows? I take care of 2 elderly relatives and it wouldn’t sit right with me if I just left them alone. So I stay I plan some stupid future to keep everyone close and for what? I want to be as far away from these people as possible. The moment I can support myself and the elderly have gone to a better place I want to vanish. I don’t ever want to see these people again I’d rather be alone to be honest. I’d rather the misery of loneliness than that of constant disappointment and betrayal. I don’t want to die, at least not literally. I do however want to be dead to them. And it hurts to admit it because that isn’t normal but I truly think that would be the best decision in my life. I completely understand my fears of having children of my own or the thought of wanting a child. Look what I grew up in! My family isn’t the only thing this entire world is an ugly place how could I bring a life here to suffer?
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This is one of the posts that really fits with me. I spend most every second daydreaming about a day I can vanish. I’ve never been happy where I am at.. only problem is I can’t support myself and I never will be able to so much so that I would leave on foot, and live unsheltered in preference. I do however have to finish paying the court and probation before I am free to walk. I have been training and have reserved energy for if I need to do that. I am at my last rope. But I feel it will do no good because now they have started following me into nightmares and plagueing me down to the brain.. I hoped to leave completely 6 years ago. Now I come up with different things I could do because they’ll usually just respond by sicking the cops on me…..I’ve been very miserable living in a nightmare the last two years, just last year it became unbearable. I say they have plagued me to the brain that even if I left they’d still torment me into an undesirable situation. It used to seem so easy before, expecting to live in a car, which I basically did other than to come to their home to rest. Then they took my license. The car doesn’t belong to me anyhow so I could never leave and just not return how I so desired every goddamn day. Some things I think about doing, I think change my name and disown myself from them legally to save my face, save me from them hunting me down with cops like so many times before. And of course, simply disappear. But of course, they have planted the plague in my brain and now I see it as there is nothing left for me (even though I used to have pretty realistic goals) no other option other than to commit.
I sit and toss around my options. Like, on some calm day – it really wouldn’t matter much should I take my life anyhow, with my only company being unwanted visitors. Well truth is, I do not want any company at all and the company I do receive only bring bad things……
A little background on me, I’ve been suicidal since 2006, my suicide date was set for August 1, 2012.. that didn’t pan out and now things are worse than I could’ve ever imagined, so that’s where I’m coming from.