Wanting to Vanish

  January 10th, 2019 by alina_01

My family is unhealthy, they have caused each generation to be fucked up. They belittle and break instead of support and nurture. They are toxic, my depression and suicide attempts stem from all the seeds of self loathing they planted and helped grow. I’m older now and I don’t hate myself I may actually love myself so it doesn’t affect me like before. I stay out of obligation? fear of truly being alone? Who knows? I take care of 2 elderly relatives and it wouldn’t sit right with me if I just left them alone. So I stay I plan some stupid future to keep everyone close and for what? I want to be as far away from these people as possible. The moment I can support myself and the elderly have gone to a better place I want to vanish. I don’t ever want to see these people again I’d rather be alone to be honest. I’d rather the misery of loneliness than that of constant disappointment and betrayal. I don’t want to die, at least not literally. I do however want to be dead to them. And it hurts to admit it because that isn’t normal but I truly think that would be the best decision in my life. I completely understand my fears of having children of my own or the thought of wanting a child. Look what I grew up in! My family isn’t the only thing this entire world is an ugly place how could I bring a life here to suffer?

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