I feel a distance
A disconnect
A million miles apart
My heart beat stings as it thumps inside my chest
With every beat I feel I am reminded of all the things in life that I’ve failed
Of all the things I’m ungrateful for
I see these children that have my dna
And I feel nothing on the daily except for sorrow
I hate that I’ve put them here
Hate that I’m selfish
Sometimes when I think about the life that’s growing inside I wish it would go away
And I immediately feel guilty
Because they never asked to make it their home
No, it was my own stupidity that got me here
When I laid down and let him have me in an effort to save himself
Why am I so destructive
Why am I so impulsive
Why am I always left there to feel shame
I feel so distant from reality
Disconnected from all the people
It feels like my skin is translucent
Like I don’t truly exist
I feel like an outsider in every circle that I’m in
My thinking is complex and in a world of its own
Truly I am alice
And this is my wonderland
I don’t think I will ever close the distance
Or ever find a soul that is meant for me to have and to hold
I will just keep falling with every passing year
Losing myself in it all
Because I am disconnected from you all
Falling further into loneliness and feeling the sting of realization inside my chest
I will stay a million miles apart from the ones who can see through my skin
And let the breeze take me as I let the madness have me
1 comment
It is really well written, I wish I could express myself like this in English. I really like the ” I don’t really exist, translucent part because I often feel that way, too. Like the end of your poem I m always feeling like I am slowly getting mad, like I am on the top of a cliff and I am millimeters away from falling down the big pit of madness. I’ve felt this way for a decade now and it really worsened the last five years. I have mood swings, suicidal thoughts, insomnia so bad it makes my faint and hallucinate so sometimes I wonder: what if I already fell? And weirdly enough this question is a relief. Because I know that I still have some control over myself, and I know I’ve been through so many mentally sicko treats (paranoia, delusions, addictions, self harm, suicide attempt, hallucinations, panic attacks, dissociation…) that nothing can really surprise me anymore and so I’ll be able to face all those things and if it is too painful to make it all stop.