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Sixty More Years Alone

by LiquidHuman

I promised someone I wouldn’t kill myself.
I was a beautifully poetic moment and all. He gave me some good points as to why I shouldn’t off myself. I might have cried a little. We both got closer to each other because of it. And maybe it does make me feel a little better about myself. But looking back in it, I kinda wish I didn’t make that promise. Because now I have to commit to staying alive.
The truth is, I’d rather not be here. I rather not slog through this earth any longer than I have to. Not too long ago I looked up the average age people die of natural causes in America. Turns out it’s 81. I’m twenty-one. Another sixty fucking years of this mess. Joy.
I feel alone. Not in a literal sense. I’m not locked up in my room 24/7, refusing to go outside and interact with the world. (Although sometimes I wish I could do that.) I feel as if I’m not meant to be with anyone. Not with strangers, not with my friends, not even with my own family. Something about me is different. Something about me just doesn’t mesh right. Like I was born socially deformed. In actuality, I probably was, due to my fucking Asperger’s.
The long and short of it is, I’ve lost my sense of self. I’ll be honest, I’m possibly the most gullible idiot there is. I’ll believe anything anyone with a seemingly higher IQ level than me says. So you know, most people. I realized this was a problem when I turned 18, how I just allowed other people to shape my views of the world, and then have a literal panic attack when I’m given new apposing information, then tailoring my mindset to match that. Repeat ad nauseum. So, what did I do to fix that? Close myself off to every opinion no matter what trusted individual gives it to me effectively alienating myself politically, socially and sometimes even physically.
Now how could this mindset possibly backfire?
Well, now I’ve gotten to the point where I mentally question everything. Every mindset, every viewpoint, everything. This is especially true with politics. Unsurprisingly, I hate politics. Not offense to people who like it by the way. But for me, it’s an endless cycle of questioning, hating myself for questioning, trying to force myself to think a certain way, failing, questioning— Well, you probably get the picture. And all while this is going on, I’ve also adopted another self-destructive habit. I’ve become almost a compulsive liar, telling people things I don’t actually believe because I know that’s what they want to hear. “Are you left wing?” “Yeah.” “Are you right wing?” “Sure.” “Democrat?” “Yeah, okay.” “Republican.” “Why the fuck not.” When in actuality, I have no fucking clue what I think anymore.
It can’t possibly be other people’s fault, right? It has to be all on me. Something about me is making it so I don’t mesh with other people or groups or ideologies. Maybe it’s the autism or the depression. Maybe I’m just naturally fucked up. Whatever it is, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m stuck here. All because I made that stupid promise.
So how was you guys’ Monday?

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5 comments

Calico 2/4/2019 - 11:00 pm

Do you feel like it’s your responsibility to make others happy?

LiquidHuman 2/5/2019 - 7:14 pm

Yeah. I guess I do.

I always feel like I owe something to someone. I don’t feel like I can offer the world anything, so the best I can do is make other people happy.

Soda 2/4/2019 - 11:03 pm

Firstly my friend, that is not a promise anyone can hold you to. I get that there are people in life that we really care about and wouldn’t ever want to let down. But your life is yours and their life is theirs.

I’ve stuck around for my closet family members but there is a limit to everything. If my life becomes totally unbearable or if I’ve decided one day I’ve really had enough then I will take my leave. Everyone has to decide what they want to do with their own lives.

So a promise is a nice thing to honor but nothing is iron-clad. What you feel should always trump everything else. If you decide to break the promise, explain why to your friend, I’m sure they won’t be happy with your choice but they’ll understand. We are all doing to ‘kick the bucket’ one day anyway, I prefer to do it on my terms rather than leave it up to fate.

Your post was very articulate, you seem pretty smart or at least of normal intelligence. If you do feel that you’re easily duped, perhaps have a confidante to run things by them to make sure you’re not being exploited.

There were numerous times I wanted to end my life, I’m glad I didn’t because other people who I am close to would’ve probably ended up in a very bad place in their life. But if I’m not getting what I want out of life and if all I experience is suffering, misery and bs, then at some point I will also head for the exits. In my case I want to make sure my mom is in a better place (or has passed away, she’s elderly) before I decide to end it also.

Soda 2/4/2019 - 11:05 pm

*going to

Cause of Death: Suicide 2/5/2019 - 1:19 am

I’ve made this promise before but I didn’t mean it I just did it so the accursing party would get off my back, haha. Nothing could stop me from committing, it’s been my loveliest dream since a young girl actually. I’m in love with the idea of taking my life away by suicide and acting on it. The wait is excruciating though. I planned August 2012, but I messed up and was being followed. All I’ve ever done my entire life is plan my suicide and wait until August 2012 would come so I could finally end my life. Too bad it passed by, it’s been the worst time .. every day all I ever want to do is shoot myself it’s all I know how to do. I wait awhile to when I’m going to commit because I have debts to repay but I’m honestly in my last few months and it feels so relieving. I just get really upset with myself that I couldn’t and didn’t kill myself sooner.

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