The white ghost of the person I was meant to be

The depression is back in my life, and I can’t seem to shake it. I have nothing to really be sad about, the things that suck in my life I HAVE THE ABILITY to change it and make it better. But that doesn’t change how I feel. I know I deserve better and that I deserve to allow myself to be happy. But years full of fucked up bullshit have me too afraid to actually allow those things to happen, too afraid to legit try. I am so terrified of failing and feeling hurt again. Because if everything falls apart again I don’t know that I will have the strength this time around to pick myself up.