Sorry to be posting again, but I really feel like I need to figure something out soon. I’m completely paralysed by indecision, and I don’t think I can go on like this much longer.
I have no idea how to choose, how to make decisions, how to act, when I have so much conflicting stuff going through my head. I want so many different, contradictory things at different points in the day, and it’s driving me insane. I don’t know what to do. I want to erase myself from existence, but I’m terrified of facing death. I want to end my suffering, but I also want to pursue fulfilment in this life. I want to be a better person, but I also want to pursue my desires, which might involve unfairly involving others in my dysfunction. I want to close myself off from the world, but I also desperately want to be known. I want to avoid the risk of extreme suffering in this life, but I’m terrified of facing worse beyond death.
How do you make decisions, without consistent values or beliefs? When your ‘heart’ wants one thing at one point in the day and the exact opposite at a later point? When your ‘gut’ warns you of conflicting dangers and threats? When it all feels equally vital and important and necessary?
I need some basis to make a decision, to act. I don’t believe in a religion, or creed, or anything much. I’d quite like to experience less suffering, but I don’t know whether that means I should be ending my life, or avoiding pursuit of certain desires. But I need some way of deciding.
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I don’t always believe the same things but the one thing that I’ve learned over time is that things always change. Not always for the better or the worse, just become different. My suffereing, though it engulfs me often is not permanent and it changes too. The things that concern me were not the same things that are important to me before. The one other thing that I believe in is love, and not the romantic, soulmate, valentines day stuff we’re sold but the more complicated one where you are both aware of a person’s faults and strengths and you figure out whether or not you can adjust around these things and whether you get things from them that you don’t get from other folks. I believe in showing love to others and sending love out into the world but also knowing when to stop giving of yourself. I can’t really answer any of your questions but I fight my wanting to die most days and I know I can do so much more good in this world and that I can experience more love from my friends, comrades and lovers. Hopefully you can find some little joys to help you fight for another day.
Change is part of what makes it so hard to decide – when one day it seems pointless to go on, and the next you get a brief high and things seem fine – it’s hard to know which perception to take seriously. If you know that the things that seem important now will likely seem trivial later on, it kind of makes it all ring a bit hollow.
I don’t think that kind of love is really possible for me, as I don’t think anyone could really accept or adjust around my flaws, but it does seem valuable, at least some of the time.
Altruism also feels important to me some of the time. But at others it just rings hollow. My empathy and concern seem to be relatively shallow – I often find it hard to continue to care about others.
It sounds like you’re doing a good job in difficult circumstances. I don’t think I have it in me to put up much of a fight at the moment – I think I need to find some way to really make a decision first. I need to really choose life, or death.
I think that in a way not choosing is a choice in itself. Death comes for us all eventually anyway.
Hey, husk.
The walking dead on a suicide forum probably aren’t the best source of wisdom regarding how to reach fulfillment in life. It seems to me that you’ve already chosen life, but don’t know how to pursue it.
Who knows, maybe a good therapist, some good reads [even blogs from people with your specific issue(s) and mindset(s)] or even taking simple steps at socializing (like meet-ups) can trigger a new passion or a direction.
If I had any real answers or good advice, I’d surely give it.
I’m not sure I have chosen life. Every time I think I have I quickly get an overwhelming sense that it’s not worth the struggle, that I don’t want to bear it anymore, or that it’s not right for me to continue living. All it takes is one a reminder of how terrible this world can be, or my own awfulness, and I’m back to square one.
I guess that’s why I post here, rather than a self-help forum – I’m genuinely unsure what the best decision is, and want to hear from others who at least take the option of suicide seriously. It’s more basic than finding fulfilment in life – it’s how to make a decision on whether to live or not.
I’ve gone through lots of good therapists over the years. But they can only really help once you’re consistently sure that you want their help. And I’m not. I start off thinking that I want to change, then my mindset shifts, once I realise what’s entailed. Therapists can’t really help you figure out whether it’s best to end your life, or which of your motivations to follow. Read a lot too, and continue to do so, though it’s near impossible to find writing from someone with both my specific issues and mindset (they’re both rare and not something one can admit to freely.)
As always I appreciate any input. Not really expecting any specific advice or answers from anyone, but I guess just hoping that something will trigger some viable basis for me to build a decision upon. I don’t think I can go on treading water like this much longer, so I have to figure some way to make a lasting decision. But I’m just lost. I’ve spent hours listening to talks on the ethics of suicide and I’m still not much clearer. Just googled ‘how to deal with conflicting motivations’, so we’ll see whether that moves me forward at all.
I’m deciding whether I kill myself today or wait 10 days until pay day.. I really ought to be going…. it should only take an hour to die. Shouldn’t I do that? It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted….
I suppose it depends what’s keeping you here?
I was supposed to have committed suicide 7 years ago but I accidentally said something so my biological family freaked out and sent me to involuntary hospitalization, but to be honest I don’t even like those people and no matter how much I hate myself I’ve always hated them more. Anyhow, the only reason I said something I stupidly thought they would be more understanding on why I had to kill my self, to be honest there’s nothing else I can do I thought they’d understand that I’ve been horrendously miserable my entire life .. but I needed to borrow money to buy a shotgun to shoot my self with. (only about 150$ I needed) Now Ithey have become fascinated with me and have raped me 163 times. They have always been rich but waste all their money on hookers and alcohol, I thought they’d let me borrow the money.
I honestly didn’t know what else to say, why do I need 150$? I thought I’d be honest.. my mistake
So of course the only thing keeping me here is financial. I’ve had trouble finding jobs and suicide by gunshot is my method of choice. Of course there are many nosy perverts where I live so you can’t do much of anything without the 18 year old virgin next door spying on you in between trying to get some pus
LOL
but I always thought I wouldn’t be able to pass a background check to buy a gun. I went and finally tried the other day to see if I’d pass the background check.. I might because I don’t have any felonies (no matter how often these perverts follow me around trying to land me one) but not sure because the perverts locked me in involuntary hospitalization but if it’s not on my record then I can pass the background test and finally get a gun!
I’ve been waiting to get a gun for 13 years but I was underage 6 of those years and just turned 18 – 7 years ago. I was hopefully going to kill myself as soon as possible at 18 years old but then all that terrible shit happened. 5 times in jail and 4 times in mental hospital. Thank God for next door rapists and perverts!! I got a gun one time. Still didn’t have money but I had a Xbox One (ooh best Christmas present ever) so I traded it for a Stevens 12 gauge. Oh damn it was perfect for suicide, I never thought I’d get the chance. I was going to go home then take a nap then when I wake up I was ready to commit! I’d been waiting for ten years!! Somehow someone found out I had stashed this in my car (because they had been stalking me) and so they LOOKED THROUGH MY SHIT, took my gun literally hours before I was going to kill myself -literally the only thing I’ve ever wanted- then I had to spend 28 days on involuntary hospitalization where we ate little pills for dinner. I’d only had the gun for like 10 hours. I just wonder who was following me around.
This is why I already missed my chance to commit suicide 🙁
It’s the only thing I’ve ever thought about every second of every year for 13 years. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to commit by shotgun to head, but now it’s all out of my control and I have to use another method to hopefully kill myself in private and not be followed around by people who had ruined my living days, the least they could do is not ruin my dying days or get in the way of my suicide.
So if they are going to get in the way of my suicide, I been thinking I must disown myself from the family and change my name, but it’s tough because I have a hard time going to do those type of things. I have a feeling it might protect me should they follow, rape, frame/ set me up again.. but I’m on a time crunch that I need to kill myself very very soon. I’ve already been waiting to commit for 13 years.
It’s all relative to how long a perspective you take on it. Abstractions about the afterlife aside, everybody dies, so living is a slow suicide. Knowing that the culmination of all your actions is your own death, what else could you call it? For me, there’s always been a kind of comfort in knowing that.
I suppose that’s true. But I guess that still leaves me with the question of whether to end it now, in a relatively peaceful manner, and avoid anticipated suffering, or endure on in service of some other motivation, and risk facing a much more painful or traumatic end. That’s what I find myself going back and forth between.
Anticipating anything is pointless in a universe like this, outside the very near end of the spectrum. Tomorrow, I’ll eat a steak and drink a beer. The day after? I dunno yet. I’ll be out of steak, but I’ll have some beer, probably. There is always something unexpected that will happen, and worrying about what it will be is the reason beer exists.
Hmmm, I’m not so sure. Agree that the unexpected will happen, but planning for nothing seems like a ticket to the worst possible outcome. Nothing is guaranteed, but some things are extremely likely. A life with no long term goals appears pretty pointless, and likely to involve unnecessary levels of suffering. Beyond which, there’s not enough beer in the world to numb my worries. And alcohol makes me gassy.