I have these ideas in my mind of what my life should’ve been. Every day I get these little reminders, and it totally throws me. Just remembering that these things are still out there. Even though it’s not possible for me now. It cuts through the fog of my day to day struggle, and tells me ‘Look, remember this! It was real! This is what your life should’ve been! This is what would make life worthwhile!’. And then I remember why it’s no longer possible for me. Maybe it never was. And I don’t know what to do with that feeling.
I’m emotionally trapped in the past. And it hurts. The meanings I’ve attached to things…are causing me pain. And I don’t know how to stop that. Because there’s nothing else left for me. There’s no future. No relationships, no kids, no career, nothing I feel really passionate about. The only things that seem meaningful are in the past, lost.
All I’m really doing is running down the clock, trying to reduce the amount I suffer and avoid hurting anyone else too badly while I do it. But my emotions won’t adjust to that reality. I’m still hung up on things that I missed in childhood, and things that aren’t possible for me now.
I want to numb it all away. But I also don’t. Because I want something to feel meaningful, and important, and vital. I’m stuck in this cycle of pointless suffering.
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The quicksand of our life’s circumstances.
I doodled a picture several years ago, during a particularly depressing period of life. I’m no artist, but it showed a man walking towards a scene of unbridled celebration, off in the distance. Way off. He couldn’t make out the details, but knew it was where he desperately wanted to be. Music, laughter, love, peace, contentment, and mostly just life, were there. Yet he was having difficulty walking, because one leg was chained to the ground. No matter how hard he struggled and leaned forward, the chain just held him fast. His arms stretched out towards the festivities, his unchained leg pulled him as far forward as it could, his eyes were squinting under the strain of pulling against the chain, but he remained still, stuck in place. And in the distance, the party continued.
You don’t need the simple symbolism explained. The damn chain, the damn quicksand. All that separates us from. . . something, anything, and yet – they’re so effective. Who created the chain? Me. I made my chain, and I made it strong. I add links to it , I remove a few now and then, it’s a work in progress, it is consistent and safe and keeps me where I need to be – stuck.
I’ve filed away at it over the years, and gained some ground, but it’s a constant struggle. Some, not a lot, but some. But this chain will be with me forever, because it’s mine, damn it, mine, and I need it.
Ok. Done rambling.
This reminded me of a line from ‘A Christmas Carol’, though I’m not sure the chains are of the same kind:
“I wear the chain I forged in life,” replied the Ghost. “I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it.”
I guess I forged my chain, though I don’t think I did so consciously. I think in a way it was always part of me…it just unfolded as I grew, like some kind of vestigial tail. I didn’t realise it was there until I felt it pulling me back.
I don’t think I can bring myself to let go of the meanings that cause me suffering. Wipe away desire, and there’s just…nothing. But I also can’t reach those desires…because of others fundamental meanings I’m too attached to to let go of. I’ve trapped myself in a web of conflicting desires and motivations, in which there’s no way to achieve peace or contentment. No matter what I do, I lose.
I can completely relate to this, it’s somewhat akin to what i’m going through right now, thank you for sharing this. The inability to let go of the past is something i wouldn’t wish on anyone, because it’s one of the worst things i can imagine, at mental pain level. You can’t start anything new, you see no sense in doing things (everything will end up the same, right?), you feel little to no happiness about anything… the list goes on. Heck, i could say the only times i feel something “real” nowadays is when something hurts me because it reminds me of the past and everything that could have been.
Something that gets my attention about all of that is when i try to explain it to people that have never experienced it. It’s like they can’t imagine the fact that someone can’t get over the past, like it’s something every human being is capable of, like an intrinsic ability. I do wonder at times if that’s actually the case and if many of us will eventually “snap” out of it or not, as many people have told me over the years. Hopefully it might happen, i’ve seen weirdest things happen.
Right, I think people can be very different in the way they experience and process emotions. For some it seems to be extremely pragmatic, and once they get enough evidence that something isn’t going to happen, their attachment to the idea of it just naturally lessens, and they’re able to switch to focus on the next thing.
At the other end of the spectrum you have people like me, with a tendency to overthink, who invest certain events and desires with near cosmic significance (like something is ‘meant to be’), and feel unable to let go no matter how much evidence amounts that the possibility is gone. I rationally know that’s it’s long gone, and do nothing to pursue it, but still it occupies all this emotional space. Everything else just feels hollow – going though the motions, fake.
Rationally, I know that other things could be practically as good, if only my emotions would adjust and invest them with the required meaning. I just don’t know how to let go of those stubborn attachments. Especially when part of me doesn’t want to, because they’re the only thing that still seems meaningful.
Still, you never know what might make the difference and finally tip the balance to a new focus.