I literally have the most horrible life.
So I wake up with constant anxiety and painful thoughts and memories and it lasts nearly every day all day. I also constantly wake up with sadness so extreme that I constantly cry and experience the most painful heartache as a result of this. I can barely go to my fucking classes at my school because of my anxiety and the fact that it’s so unbearably high. I also have certain thoughts that are very personal and I’d rather not discuss,and they all just get more and more painful every day. I am tired of this constant stress, frustration, anger, sadness, depression, lack of interests, feeling overwhelmed, and generally SHITTY life. I am TIRED of living this way. I swear if I make it through 2019 and still feel this way, ive decided I’m going to leave this life. Because this is getting ridiculous snd this has just been going on for too long. Think about it. A person can only take so much. I’ve been suffering like this since I was 11.5 years old. I am now 22. So I’ve basically been suffering like this nearly half my life now. And over the years there have been only more and more painful things that I’ve experienced over time.
Here’s the way I see things. Nobody asks to be born. So with that being said, why the FUCK should I be forced to live like this if I don’t fucking want to and I feel like I’ve simply suffered too much???????
Now ending my life is not something I want to have to do. But if I make it through 2019 and decide it was another bad year, I’m leaving this life. What I most want to happen is to live a normal peaceful happy life, but if that’s not going to happen then I will end my own life January 1, 2020. I don’t want to die right now. But if this continues for long enough, eventually I WILL reach the point where I’d rather be dead than live like this; because this has all been going on for far too long. People just don’t understand. Every year starting in January, since 2009 has been FILLED with bullshit to no end. So far I have had TEN consecutive shitty years starting in January. And I think 11 is going to be all that I can handle. I really hope I don’t have to take my own life, but if this continues all the way through 2019, chances are that I’m going to take my own life. Because this is insane and I’ve suffered an eternity now.
6 comments
Omg you just described my life. I have to deal with my anxiety every day and I feel like I live in the past. All of the bad memories are constantly being “replayed” in my head and I’m not able to forget them. I’m 22 as well and was depressed since I was a kid too. Honestly I can’t even remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I don’t want to die either but I don’t think I will be able survive any longer. All my life I’ve been trying to give myself a reason to stay alive but after I turned 22 I realized how pointless my life is. If you want to talk, I’m in. I don’t know if I would be able to help you in any way but sometimes it feels better to just vent all those negative feelings out.
I’ve been trying to kill myself every day since I was 12. It’s nothing wrong with myself but I came to terms that I’m never getting out of the place and I am trapped with the people I dislike (Mormon, Proselytizing, toddlers) I don’t know if I really want to give up my life, but if I can’t get out of here I’ll have no option. I swore if I didn’t get out by 18, then I’d kill myself. I don’t mind dying so if it what’s I have to do. I mean it’s my life and no one else’s ha, so my death, my way, I was supposed to kill myself on my 18th birthday. I am almost 25. I really looked forward to killing myself and had nothing else planned for my future so all I’ve really done since graduating high school is sit around and listen to music. I wrote an album and was going to record it before I ended my life and hopefully get it on store shelves but then it was weird, I was raped by some random person I’d never met before in my life and then they started following me and touched my guitar so I pawned it at the store I pawned all my things at 18 to be able to afford a gun. My plan since 12 had been to kill myself by gunshot to head. I am trying to buy the guitar back but Now I am frightened to play it and sometimes I feel like those people are following me around… I want to record it but I have a feeling all that will happen the rest of my life is more molestation. I’ve been molested about 162 times in the last 700 days. I’ve started to open up on here about it a lot. Most every post Ive made is about how many times I have been raped and molested in the last 700 days. I’ve been moderately to severely abused since about 7 years old so I guess it comes as no surprise. I just wonder why they all of sudden started raping me the last two years. Before that I’d only been raped 5 times. And that was 7 years, 9 years, 10 years old and twice at 20. So you can imagine how terrible my memories are. Other than work all I do is sit around, cry and think about suicide.
Wow. I’m really sorry.
By the way I forgot my password so I had to create a new account. My old account was noah5678.
Hey I’m 22 and I’ve been like this since I was 12. I feel your pain. Waking up to feel with anxiety is honestly killing me. I don’t want to wake up to feel like I’m under attack. It’s a pain. And most people don’t realize it’s not just mentally exhausting either. It hurts all over.
All I want is peace and quiet and to be able to live anxiety free. It’s like it’s too much to ask for.
It sounds like a pretty weighty and difficult struggle, and I’m glad that at present you have the strength to hold on. Heck, I haven’t been fully suicidal in awhile and the best I can do is hold on through this week. I know I’ll be able to survive from here to Saturday. When I get more information I make a new plan, from day to day, week to week.
What change are you looking for and is it something that you can get control over? If it isn’t something that resources are there for now, what steps would it take to get the resources to get control over your life again?
You said that you didn’t want to die, and I hope that you can survive and live a better life.