It seems to me that conflicting motivation is the source of my continued suffering. I both wish to annihilate myself, and to preserve myself. To put an end to my misery, but also to continue to pursue unrealistic life goals. To avoid all human contact, whilst also seeking connection and intimacy. Although these motivations fluctuate with mood and circumstance, over time none seems strong enough to win out over the others.
From this perspective, I’m trapped within a complex web of competing desires and impulses, stuck in a state of inertia finely balanced between. I want an end enough for it to be on my mind much of the time, but apparently not enough to actually face death. I want to find fulfilment in this life, but not enough to make the necessary sacrifices or expose myself to risk of greater suffering. A likely consequence seems to be that I’ll suffer unnecessarily by continuing to live, without achieving anything meaningful while doing so. Kind of the worst of both worlds, if you will.
So the problem is fundamentally with my motivation – my wants, drives, desires, cravings, impulses. I want the wrong things. I don’t know if there’s any way out of that impasse, other than the balance eventually shifting on it’s own. I can’t see any way to change what you want intentionally. To do so, surely you’d already need the motivation beforehand, to want one thing more strongly than the others? While wants and desires seem open to change over time, I can’t see any way to consciously control that process. Intentional action seems to require motivation to precede it.
10 comments
Wow! in general we all want what we don’t have ether wise we wouldn’t want!
example: I want a woman to to share my life with! THEN WHEN I GET HER!
Where are we going for dinner!
Do have to watch the news I like the woman channel!
Do you have to drink so much!
I WANT TO GO ON VACATION! I’m tired of being stuck here all day!
So my point is you get what you want then realized it’s not what you wanted after all 🙂
I’m not knocking relationships I’m just saying sometimes you are your own worst enemy , I WANT A CHEESE BURGER W/O CHEESE IT AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN.
Fulfillment of life? that’s totally up to you, strive for things you want to accomplish, that you feel are important to you.
Be realistic about those things.
My point was really that conflicting things feel important to me, to an extent that seems to be paralysing. Perhaps that’s not something you’ve ever experienced.
I’m really good at missing the point!
Yes at times I have, I hate conflicting things! I try to keep away from them, I hope you can sooner or later.
I have bad social anxiety so i avoid human contact.. but then i have panic attacks later on becasue im lonely.. seems like there’s suffering either way.. :/
Yes. I find myself craving company in theory, but when real people are actually around I spend most of the time feeling on edge.
Humans are complex beasts.. beasts who have the instinct for self-preservation, but we recognize the speck we are in the universe and how unimportant our survival really is in the scheme of things.
I think we all want intimacy and emotional depth with another human, but when reflecting on the brutality of the majority, it’s not easy to open up in a deep, fully honest nature.
I think human awareness of ourselves and others is what brings the hopelessness and despair. We see our attributes and faults as with others, and wonder what is the sense in all this senselessness, but there is that speck, the tiny voice that says ‘maybe someone gets me, maybe I’m worth life’…
Then again, maybe my head is up my ass and I have no f*cling clue…
Complex beasts indeed. For me the problem is with my own brutality as much as anyone else’s – I can’t imagine ever letting anyone see the truth of what I am. I’m fairly sure most would regard me as irredeemable if they knew what I’ve done. I’m not worthy of life. And you’re right, recognising that does leave me in a state of hopelessness and despair. And yet there’s still this prominent deluded part of me that insists ‘if only you could just meet the right person, in the right circumstances, then maybe they’ll somehow accept you, and everything will work out.’ But I’m not prepared to take the risk, or make major sacrifices in pursuit of some kind of redemption, because I don’t believe it’s rationally worth it. So I stay stuck, torn between competing impulses.
You have said quite a few times you see yourself as irredeemable, but I think any of us with a conscience see ourselves in that manner.
Perhaps the things I feel I should die in pure agony for would be any given Tuesday to someone else.. it’s really a matter of perspective.
It is human nature to be our own worst critics. Perhaps these things you feel are so vile about yourself arent so.
The thing is, I desperately want to believe that what I’ve done and what I am are no big deal. That’s why I did it – it comes easily to me. But then I observe the shock and disgust of others, (society in general as well as specific individuals whose judgement I trust) to similar acts. And I’m forced to concede that it’s my moral perception that’s flawed. That there’s good reasons for others to view me as they would, and that society would be worse if everyone were like me.
I think for me it’s less about guilt than shame – it’s not that I feel I should suffer any great agony for what I’ve done – part of me feels it should be totally unremarkable. But I can recognise rationally that my moral responses are flawed, and there’s good reasons for people to see it as they do. So what I mostly feel is shame and isolation, for having severely transgressed a moral standard, rather than guilt for having wronged someone. I’m essentially imagining the moral feelings of others onto myself.
I’m not my own worst critic. I’m the guy desperately trying to avoid reading the news, who’s nevertheless forced to recognise that the whole world thinks he’s a worthless scumbag, and on reflection has to concede that they have a point.
“I’m not my own worst critic. I’m the guy desperately trying to avoid reading the news, who’s nevertheless forced to recognise that the whole world thinks he’s a worthless scumbag, and on reflection has to concede that they have a point.”
Just by that paragraph, I’m reasoning that your morals can’t truly be so compromised that you are a worthless scumbag. ( In case you are shaking your head reading this, no, I don’t know what you have done or harm you’ve caused another.. ) There is a chance I could be wrong, but you don’t strike me as a serial killer, or worse.
Honestly, I’m curious as to why you feel so gruesomely toward yourself.