It seems to me that conflicting motivation is the source of my continued suffering. I both wish to annihilate myself, and to preserve myself. To put an end to my misery, but also to continue to pursue unrealistic life goals. To avoid all human contact, whilst also seeking connection and intimacy. Although these motivations fluctuate with mood and circumstance, over time none seems strong enough to win out over the others.
From this perspective, I’m trapped within a complex web of competing desires and impulses, stuck in a state of inertia finely balanced between. I want an end enough for it to be on my mind much of the time, but apparently not enough to actually face death. I want to find fulfilment in this life, but not enough to make the necessary sacrifices or expose myself to risk of greater suffering. A likely consequence seems to be that I’ll suffer unnecessarily by continuing to live, without achieving anything meaningful while doing so. Kind of the worst of both worlds, if you will.
So the problem is fundamentally with my motivation – my wants, drives, desires, cravings, impulses. I want the wrong things. I don’t know if there’s any way out of that impasse, other than the balance eventually shifting on it’s own. I can’t see any way to change what you want intentionally. To do so, surely you’d already need the motivation beforehand, to want one thing more strongly than the others? While wants and desires seem open to change over time, I can’t see any way to consciously control that process. Intentional action seems to require motivation to precede it.