Ghost of the person I was

I’ve attempted suicide several times in my past. I’ve taken several prescription sleeping pills and pain pills hoping that I could escape. And each time I woke up with tears in my eyes. I felt like this was my own personal hell. I started cutting to help it was a distraction from the mental anguish and sometimes it was a punishment to myself. It was hard to believe there was a god and since I was a child up until now I just can’t. How could he be ok with what was happening to me, how could he let such horrible things happe I sexually molested starting at the age of 8 and it just continued until I was 21. It ranged from relatives to fathers of friends. I was sexualized and touched inappropriately. I knew it was wrong, it felt wrong but I froze. I started to mimick that with others. I found myself sexualizing others, and I have never said it out loud before or typed it or allowed myself to think it. I was a child and I saw myself becoming a monster, and I stopped being sexual. It seems bizarre for a child to be sexual, never had sex just inappropriate touching. As I got older i despised the idea of being touched or touching anyone. And then I met my best friend when i was 15 and in all the chaos and saddness in my laugh he brought me laughter he uplifted me. I grew to love him and I trusted him with my life. I told him everything that happened to me and kept happening. And it was such a huge darkness and ripped us apart. Idk if he ever loved my at least truly loved me. I do know that he tried saving me but I had already given up and i dragged him down. He became this awful person or maybe he always was this person and i just never realized it. He hurt me mentally and physically. He lied and i shattered the person i trusted with everything betrayed me and that was the deepest cut. Despite that i loved him and we got a second chance but it showed me the monster he was. He broke my heart and that wasnt enough he broke my spirit. I may not have died physically but internally all those suicide attempts all of this killed me. Im sure many of you can relate to how difficult it is to fight the depression its literally like going against everything you know. And the hardest part is getting back up and trying really trying. But i did that, i pushed myself to be better to do better. I cried almost daily, i wished i would die, i thought about giving up because it was too hard to try. Despite that i pushed, i went to college and worked 2 jobs to pay for it. I graduated and i didnt feel as proud as i thought i was. I worked so hard to try and love myself, to succeed. After i failed a test 2 times to start my career i gave up again. I allowed myself to get depressed, to hate myself, and most importantly to give up. I have a relative possibly the only one that has every truly and selfishlessly loved me who has been in the hospital for a month. And almost all my time is spent there, i refuse to leave them alone. And so I am there to defend them to fight for them. But its exhausting and i have my own battle to fight. I deserve it i swear i do! Look at everything ive gone through the pain ive experienced. I am a kind hearted person i deserve happiness. No one else can save me but me ive learned that the hard way. And the scars remain from the times I cut myself and the scars from the fucked up shit ive been through remains. And it left me fucked up and i cant seem to function. I cant seem to make my deepest dreams come true or allow myself to want to achieve those dreams. Im venting, going through the waves of emotions.