people here remind me of the ape meme “Together ape strong” but how does collective weakness help each other. maybe its because we can commiserate and that may be all some of us need to get back up. not me. not for the vast majority it may seem. i often wonder how many of us truly wants to get better. the suffering is so familiar i feel wrong without pain and agony in my daily life. i dont even know if i cant get better or i dont want to get better, maybe ive just failed so many times ive given up on distinguishing the two. this would be all fine and good if it only affected me but i have a gf you see. currently i still care for her and would die before hurting her but slowly, just incrementally i find myself caring less. her words can barely stop me from cutting myself and it requires such restraint to control myself i writhe in agony in bed from the pulsating urge to cut but not letting myself to. guess what im asking is if anyone has coping mechanisms for cutting. once my eyes set themselves upon a razor im almost drawn to it. seeing the cuts on my thighs and wrists feels me with such joy, almost as if im proud of them. how did i end up like this, is this a self-induced fate or perhaps a higher power dictated it. really does it matter. the result is all the same. if anyone has some coping mechanism please share. or just share your story, i’ll read them no matter how long and give a genuine reply.
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“i often wonder how many of us truly wants to get better. ”
You got me. I don’t. I’m in love with the darkness inside me. This is bad manners, I know, but I come here to escape from a world too eager for happiness and revel in gloom.
Take your post for instance. I’m incapable of feeling sorry for your cutting. Instead I envy you because I’m not sunken enough nowadays to do it. Makes me nostalgic about my college years when I was a regular slasher.
Perhaps this why I’m not dead yet. I want to go on sinking lower and lower before jumping ship.
Well I believe there is truth in what you are saying, of course everyone is different, it’s really hard to let go of depression, One thing is for certain it doesn’t help you, self destructive behavior doesn’t help you, what helps is wanting to stop it, this is not related to your problems but an example.
I hate my job and realize nothing is going to change that, I have reasons to want to keep it. Vacation time, I need to pay bills, it’s hard to find another job and so on. But I realize I’ll never be happy there! So I keep my mouth shut, and start looking for another, putting in applications till eventually something comes up that fits my needs, after weighing the facts carefully I either make the move or not, and finally I can get rid of that job I hate. Most likely I will start feeling less depressed. So my point is, Really think about this! Am I going to help myself? Or continue to hurt myself? When do I realize enough is enough? My bet is you will how long will it take I can’t tell you, I did exactly what I just said and came out great. I’m still a depressed person but not like I was, I was living in hell.
I’ve never wanted to get better, I’d rather just die with dignity somewhere in peace alone