I hate my life so much

(I’m complaining again…)
I seriously just hate life. And as I said, I shouldn’t hate life!!!! It’s pathetic! There’s no meaning, there’s nothing. Nothing at all. It’s horrible. My boyfriend is going to be my only hope now… I know this is pathetic too, I shouldn’t rely on him… I don’t know how he keeps going. At least he is smart. I’m not. I just wish I was. I should be sleeping its 12:37am at the time of writing this, but I’ve spent too much on a world of warcraft private server and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for wasting so much money. I am bored most of the time. I wish I actually liked something, everything is just a bandaid for my pathetic life… I might tell him in real life how miserable I am… maybe I’ll just show him… he’ll know and understand, hopefully. Because online I just can’t tell him, he doesn’t understand… well most people don’t understand so oh well…. do I even NEED to be understood because I’m such a fuck up anyway!!!!

I dislike that he gets moody at times, it irritates me…. I should be more empathetic, I can’t expect a happy boyfriend 100% of the time… he probably goes through more crap than me but I don’t want to compare. I remember him telling me that he was at work a few times working on something and he kept having to move out of the way because others had to get past and there wasn’t enough room. He also constantly had other people asking about what he’s doing and wanting to know more about it. Gosh how do you stay sane… how do you not just lose it and punch them all through the wall? I remember I was overseas very recently and the crowds were so annoying, I just wanted to smash them all with a hammer or bulldoze them all out of the way at least!!!!

I’m going to see him next month, well, I seriously hope so, I’m actually being pretty pushy with him now to try and organise a place (accom) for us for a little while… I’m really trying to be patient but its difficult. Damn I hope they let me in the country too I’ve got a few thousand K and yeah not really anything else. I still worry that they will question me. Why the fuck does he have to be in another country well that’s not really his fault…. Sorry about the lack of proper punctuation, I can’t be assed.

I hope he can make my life better I seriously hope so, even its for a little while… I’m so sick of being miserable. I have to say it, Singapore is a nice place, sorry too lazy to upload any photos right now… at least I could hang out at night there at all hours. Sadly where I live I can’t really do that, it’s not safe. But everything is $$$$ I hate that too. I WISH I WOULD STOP COMPLAINING. I just want to cry forever. I do. But what for? I’ve been tortured for long enough. I can’t even tell my boyfriend that I’ve wasted all this money he would be so mad at me and I don’t blame him. I’m such a fucking idiot. Always have been and always will be. I’d rather be in his arms than have to deal with any of this fucking crap anymore. I know alot of people would probably kill to be in my position right now, some people never get the chance to go overseas… I get tired of sounding like an ungrateful loser….

I don’t want to suffer anymore. Nothing lasts anyway.
I don’t see my boyfriend as a solution or anything like that. Maybe temporary. Knowing his past though, I realize that he could just break up with me again. That would suck. But I know that it is a possibility. Wouldn’t blame him. I don’t deserve anyone anyway. I’m sure he already thinks about it, but to flip the coin, I’ve also thought about breaking up with him before. He asks quite a bit of me, I try to keep up. Luckily I enjoy being pretty (shallow, i don’t care). I know he wasn’t ever actively searching but if he does have someone he does want the ‘right’ person. On the other hand I don’t know what I even want… I know seeing him again is going to be crazy because we’ll be doing alot and that’s going to be difficult for me. He’s a very interesting person in my opinion. Unlike me. I hope I’ll be talkative enough. I hope I’ll be this… I hope I’ll be that… if we meet early next month, yes that’s less than a month away! Damn he’s nearly 15000km away from me, I tend to vomit on flights so as usual I should take some (working) travel sickness tablets. Well if it’s not anything else, I hope it will be fun, nothing good ever lasts, I know that….

I’d truly love to be normal, I really would. Well I guess Singapore did teach me one thing very well, shopping is meaningless. (there are MALLS everywhere there, you can’t escape them. lol). So I came back here and I was just so bored of shopping… ok as I said i bought skincare and haircare and clothes there. I admit, I did like shopping for clothes there. Sorry but there’s some really lovely clothes there, how could I not… then there’s starbucks and krispy kremes (don’t have either here) so I went to those places too. Sadly the endless malls ended up being a curse, I spent more than I wanted to. Accom is also expensive in Singapore and I like my private rooms soooo…. :\ Well, yes, at least I don’t want to shop anymore. Maybe its because shopping here is pretty shitty compared to there. Go into a shop here and see a bunch of really ugly clothes, uhhh no thanks… The place is half the size of where I live yet somehow it is more exciting… I like that its safe there, did I mention? But from reading online there’s many people wanting to get out of that place too… I’m just lulled into a false sense of… I don’t know… I’m a tourist and only know tourist things… well, I wasn’t all that touristy. I miss sitting at the esplanade and marina at night time looking up into the clouds… I don’t even have to watch my stuff, I can just lay there and forget about everything temporarily…

I’m really meant to sleep, I’m just so mad at myself, hate myself… sick of myself. So sick of myself, sick of everything. I’ve deleted World of Warcraft yet again…. at least I won’t be touching that crap when I see my boyfriend, thank heck. Have I written enough yet???? Ugh!!!!!!!!